Breaking up is hard to do.

So after a little over a week of not seeing her or talking to her…I broke up with her.

In mid december I started to have a really bad low point.

She told me that it felt like I didn’t care about he or want to be with her…

hahahaha…it’s so fucking geat to here…I’ve heard it a few hundred times before from so many people…variations sometimes, sure, but even with just my friends I hear sit like that.

I am not capable of maintaining a relationship on any degree.

I love alone.

I need to stay alone.

I know so many people, and I know how to get along with people, and it looks like I have so many friends, but I really don’t.

I just know a lot of people and am good at faking nice.

My friends…I can count them on my fingers.

You can’t really trust anyone.

 

So, after she said that to me…I freaked out, and I realized that I am completely not ready to go through the hell of sabotaging myself and trying to fix it repeatedly. I just don’t think I can handle it right now…I need to either change my behavior or just stop pretending I can be a functioning member of society.

And I don’t see change in my future.

 

"I know you’ve seen this before, but now enough is too much, yo don’t want to be set back when the substition comes…."

 

I really feel like I did her a favor.

I really do.

I had to cut it off before roots began to grow.

I cried…I cried because I hurt someone

I cried a lot…I am so tired of hurting people…it’s why sometimes killing myself makes sense, because yeah, I would hurt people…but I have done that my whole life, and at least I can guarantee that that would be the last time.

I’m not a good person.

I actually honestly am starting to come to terms with the reality that I am a bad person.

It’s not easy.

I’m not going to kill myself romantically or anything…some great suicide with a letter. I’m not going to just hit the breaks, that’s not my style.

But sometimes I sit and think that maybe the way I live my life is just the same thing as killing myself.

I mean, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, I drink a magnum of wine and a twelve pack to myself a night, and I usually throw a bowl or two in there.

It kind of is a total disregard to my health, and my well being…but honestly, sometimes I just don’t care.

Sometimes the best thing in the world sounds like just abusing myself to the point where I lose my fucking mind.

It’s kind of weird huh? It’s actually kind of creepy hahaha. But I mean…

well…I’m just not joking.