Dane G. Russ

August 3, 2009

Previous: 08/04/2009

08/04/2009

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, and I feel sick, and I puke and I shake…and I pass out by the mid afternoon from drinking too much…sometimes those moments make me stop and reflecting on my life and the way I am ending it.

It makes me happy.

Well, I guess "happy" is not the right word.

I just know I am making the right decision.

The shakes and the bile and the memory loss and the weeks that blur together.

It feels like the right thing to do.

And when you drink like this, it starts killing you inside first. Mentally and emotionally.

Who you are starts to dissapear.

It’s still my body, but it’s decomposing and there are no lights on under my eyes.

You start looking around you, and you start to realize you are hurting everyone.
It just makes you take another shot.

You start getting uncomfortable around people unless you are drunk, part of it is because you don’t remember how to act when you are sober, another part of it is because you burn bridges and have to constantly keep finding new people that don’t hate you yet. These people only know who you are drunk…you can’t let them down.

You stop hiding it.

Your life starts getting segmented. You stop sleeping at night, you stop sleeping period. You just pass out a few times in a 24 hour period.

I don’t need to eat anymore.
I can’t eat anymore, I guess I should say.

My stomach is in too bad of shape to digest anything..

…I don’t even want to write this anymore.

I’m sick of talking about it.

and thinking about it.

I know I am doing it though.

A long term suicide goal.

I know it’s working.

My body needs what is killing it.

It’s kind of interesting if you start looking at it all as a host/parasite kind of thing.

I dunno.

It’s kind of ironic.

Humans are parasites.

a parasite being destroyed by a parasite.

I’m just done.

mallory.jayne

August 4, 2009

i don’t really know what to say to change your mind or make you feel differently about it all. i think you’re making a mistake. i’ve seen two of my friends die like this in the past two years. i’d hate to see it happen to you too.

Everything I could say is everything you already know. I’m still reading, buddy. And I sincerely miss our exchanges. Take care of yourself.

.ivy.

I know well enough that I can’t say a single thing that will make you want to get better. I am not going to discredit anything that you said because I know it is how you are honestly feeling. I wish I could help, but I can’t. You have more control over this than you realize. Or, at least are admitting. What has to happen for you to say enough is enough and want to turn it the other way?

berry143

wow, this entry has given me a gut sinking want to throw up and scream type of feeling.what turned you around from the glimmer of hope you had a week or two ago? you seemed to be looking forward and remembering what its all about. nothing i or anyone can say can make you change things for yourself. you are a person of value, and you have plenty to stick around for. i think youre being selfish, and

making a huge mistake. taking the easy way out. sorry if im being harsh, but i just think you need a giant vat of cold water splashed on your lovely face. i wish youd try harder to pull urself out of this. people care about you. whether you like that or not. you are worthwhile! and so is life

I Am the Soup Man

I still like you.

Sleeping on it

There are no words to make you “change your mind”…just know, I’d miss you.

Mindfunkie

ah, hard times; it’s basically all on you, to take a different route; or at least until the ulcers start fu*king raping your body, hopefully you’ll figure it out beforehand. Anyhow, best of luck and you’re at a start for realising you have a (masochistic?) drinking problem. You seem like a smart chill guy, I’m sure you’ll work through this. Hey at least it’s not smack right?

I guess it’s a bad time to offer to buy you a drink? Look, You’re not a meaningless piece of shit. You deserve more than this alcohol is giving you, and your talent is one that can not be surpassed by many others, and it’s a damn shame to let that drown in a bottle of liquor, but I understand. I understand not being comfortable unless being drunk. I understand the expectations. I still

think you’re more than capable of standing on your own two feet, and doing it well. Let me know if you need (or want) someone to talk to. Even if just for a laugh, ok Booblicious?

I agree with everything berry143 has to say. I wish there was something I could do or say to help.

intoxicatingbeauty

I promised myself I wouldn’t read your OD, but I did because you never tell me how you are. You don’t have to be this person Dane… you need to wake up. Please. I love you, you’re my best friend still. K?

JUST SOMEONE

Don’t.

Well I haven’t been on here or read anyone for a little while lately so this was news to me. Funny how even though I think of myself as a pretty hardass person I can read someone I don’t technically know saying these things about their life and I feel incredibly sad. I know it doesn’t mean much for me to say so but I also know you weren’t put on the earth for what you’re describing here.