Dane G. Russ

July 9, 2009

This is the morning after…

After that pint of vodka you said you wouldn’t buy.

After the bottle of champagne you bought because it would be "fun"…but nothing about this is really fun anymore, is it?

The 12 pack of beer you bought, no…there was a reason for this one…what was it? Oh yeah, your buddy came over…cause to celebrate.

A half a pack of cigarettes in and out of your lungs after you kept being proud of yourself for cutting back…

Another night of being a complete asshole to one of the only people that truly cares about you…why do you try so hard to fuck up any chance of happiness you could ever have?

This is a morning where you wake up running late for work, but you’re not hungover…you drank enough to make most people sick, but you are not hungover…that very fact alone makes you feel like a monster.

This is what it feels like to laugh at your "friends" when they claim they can "keep up with you" and you end up drinking them under the table, but you are only laughing because there are people around you. You are only laughing because it would show a complete lack of tact to start publicly tearing into yourself for still being able to operate a vehicle when the guy across from you that went toe to toe, shot for shot with you is hugging a toilet somewhere off screen…

This is what it feels like to hate the weekend, because all you really want is a break. All you really want is to barricade yourself in your apartment with your cats and a book and stay sober and peaceful and happy, but there is this bigger more powerful part of you that feels obligated to spend any "free time" you may have getting as trashed as you can…this is what it feels like to hate your paycheck because you know that all it means is you can now justify buying that booze that will get you trashed because, after all, you just got paid…right?

This is how it feels to have a birthday coming up in a week, and this is how it feels to dwell on the fact that this means it’s been nearly three years since you stopped going to AA because you thought you could "handle it" on your own.

These are the ideas that go through your head when a part of you wants to do something, but you won’t let yourself do it for a million tiny little reasons that don’t hold as much weight as the single reason that initially sparked your desire for change…but, I mean, there are a million of them…

This is how it sounds when you become sick of making empty promises to yourself.

This is how it sounds when eventually thinking outloud becomes self aggrandizing.

This is what it sounds like when everyone around you starts to realize you are completely full of shit.

…and this is what it sounds like when you realize it’s time to shut up now.

Mrs. Tiny Duckie

July 10, 2009

I Am the Soup Man

I still think you’re cool. And I still think you can do it. And I still don’t think f***ing up right now means you can’t ever do it.

Also locked and I are starting a book club and we need someone with a certain Dane-ish (heh, danish) quality to make us legitimate.

.ivy.

(I have zero doubt you can beat this, but you know this could kill you if you’re not careful, and if you don’t recover the right way, under supervision, it could be bad as well. I think that’s why it’s scary, because as scary as drinking yourself to death is, dying because you stop is scary as well.) I have faith you can beat it. You want to.

behind.blue.eyes

Yeah, my dad had a seizure and stopped breathing on Fourth of July in 2007 after three days of not drinking. (I have NO idea how his liver is still functioning, he drinks so much.)

berry143

superman and ivy are right… would you consider going back to AA? its not too late… really it isnt. i think thats the only way to get back on your way to happiness.. somethings you just cant do on your own.

I have a feeling I drink about a quarter of what you did last night and I would be out of it more than I’d like. I’m petrified of ending up like my father. And, sometimes, my NOT wanting to drink too much MAKES me drink more. It’s f*cked up, I won’t lie to you. But, this is bordering on very personal. Email me at ivyfromod@yahoo.com if you want to continue that portion of the conversation.

hey dane. cant imagine what your addiction is like. but i have an addiction or two of my own and it sucks to be in the place you are right now.

this is me over and over again. this is why i’m in therapy. i’m still hoping it will help, but i have my doubts… maybe i don’t even want it to work.

lol “the mighty god O’Douls” hahah how does that company make ANY money. ya know it might be worth joining up with the cult again but just not getting sucked in to their weirdness. just go there,, sift through whatever they tell you and use the advice that appeals to you. even if its just a few meetings to get you rolling in the right direction again.

40 Virgin cupcakes. (No frosting)

SpiderQueen

Do you live with anyone? Like someone you can “quit with” I don’t put much stock in AA (although I’ve never been) I don’t like the dogma and relgion that’s packed into it. I can’t stand the aspect of having a “higher power” to blame instead of yourself. I understand addiction, but instead of AA maybe some other treatment program like in patient or something. Valley Hope?

Aviator.

We’re all entitled to f/uck ups. Whether it be a few hours worth, or a few years. Just because you’re in a rut now, doesn’t mean that you are completely unable to get out of it for good. I have experience with this- just not in the terms of alcohol. I seriously think you can do it. Give it time. Or do it now. Make the choice that’s right for you. kinsey.

Uncomfortably Numb

I’m sure more than one person truly cares about you, but if you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about you need to stop doing that! We’ve talked about this before, you don’t need to sabotage your happiness. Misery isn’t all that great dane. I know the feeling all too well though. IM or email me if you want to talk. D.

Dane… :'( I guess we’re even. WHOOPS. This is what you get for not allowing private notes. But I guess it’s a good thing because I can talk about stealing Superman’s cupcakes and can’t hide it from him. Dane… I think the fact that you WANT to quit, that you WANT to slow down– that’s the most impressive part about you. You’re trying. EVERYONE slips up. It happens. They key to not letting a

slip up or twelve discourage you to continue towards your goals. For that, I think you’re incredibly strong. It doesn’t take much to discourage me. I feel like the only thing in my life that I won’t stop trying for is medicine. You can do this. We all know you can.

And that is why at 25 I’ve never taken a sip of alcohol…because I’m too damn scared of being caught, wasted, in this same morning with you… *downcast head* I wish there was an answer…I wish there was a cure… I wish there were some magic words that could turn a morning like this into something more…something better… You’re not full of shit…you’re full of a lot of anger and painand regret… You’re tired. I wish you could spend a morning like this getting some rest. Real REST…sounds like you need it…

intoxicatingbeauty

I’m sure I deserved it, or something. I really just love you so much and if I say something that bothers you the way you snap hurts a little. So I’m sorry. BRUNO! Tonight.

Mindfunkie

you can do it

pashun