utter confusion

I have come to the point where I have lost myself again. Man, you know I never thought this would happen another time, and I never thought this would be why. How can I stand here and watch my whole life be dismantled? How can I observe this and continue to cook dinner, rub backs, act as if nothing has happened? How many nights will I lie in the dark wondering where im going? How many times are the circles of thought going to revolve around this histeria? Why am i doing this?

Sometimes I think that you know what hell this is for me, but I am a master of illusion. I strut through the hallway, seemingly impervious to your independance. You arent, you know. I know you too well, you fucking liar. You insist that this is a reason, that this is a truth that you must behold, stroking it into its birth. But I know that you gaze upon it like a bastard child. This isnt your faith. But how blind you have become.

These cities of wonder and places of dreams are where you long to be, but something keeps you tarrying. The grass isnt greener, you know.

I suppose that just doesnt fucking matter, now does it.

Indeed, you traded me for a beer. For a dance. A drive to unknown places. These things that offer so much more than I. The expectation of things that just had to be better than this. I never understood what was so bad about it to begin with, but I suppose thats just part of the why. I hope you can live with your truth.

I hope I can learn to.