Avec la rapidité

*sigh* I am continually amazed at how quickly sane turns to crazy.  I was normal Friday, and now I have completely lost all grip on reality.  Ridiculous person that I am, analyzing the fucking texture of words to find one that has the smoothness of hope.

AHH!  How do i let this happen.

I wish there would come a damn day that I just spill it to her.  Maybe it would go something like this:

Hey listen broad, i have motherfucking been in love with you for like a little more than two years, and it has quite thoroughly taken from me every last vestige I had of sanity.  The times I manage to not think about you, I succeed somewhat poorly at shutting out not just you but the entire world.  During this time, I try to be your meaningful but arms distance friend.  Then something always happens.  Either we spend a little too much time talking, something. Then all this madness happens all over again.  We begin talking and communicating constantly.  I cant sleep, I cant eat, all I do is think about you and the next time I talk to you, the next time i see you.  I talk about you to everyone and overanalyze every snippet of communication for evidence that you feel as madly for me as I do for you.  Of course, I always manage to find some reason to doubt that possibility, which brings me to the lowest of lows.

I love you, I tell you.  I dont mean it how you think I do.  I mean it like i would fucking listen to you breathe for a hundred years, as long as my skin can measure its rhythm.  I mean it like I would cook you dinner every damn day and match your socks.  I mean it like I want to talk to you about not just our past, but future.  I want to know everything you ever thought, and be there for the next idea.  I fucking love you, and it kills me.  

*sigh*

It’s always like this for us.  There will be these few days of fevered and honest conversation, where we both almost say it.  Then for a couple of days, you distance yourself.  Listen, im not a fool.  I know I hurt you.  I know we are both still in shit and if anything happened it would be wrong.  I just need to know.  I need to know if you feel that way about me.  I NEED to.

Dear God, please make sure I dont say anything retarded or act like an ass, even though she likely wouldnt think any differently of me.

I am so so so ready to know.  No matter what the answer is.