Étude

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:

1. You are one fucked up individual.  What you did to me when I was a kid sucked, and I really hope you pay for it someday
2. You need to move on.  I am over you, and although i care, I dont love you anymore.  I know I told you I do, but that is only because it hurts me to hurt people.
3. I miss you, and I hope that you dont think I am weird because I want to take nude pictures of you.  If I hadnt had you back then, I wouldnt have lived past 15.  You have no idea how glad I am that you are back in my life, and I’ll cuddle you and maybe other things when you come up here in January.  It all depends!
4. I care about you, I really do. I know this is the same stuff I put you through last year, but you scare the hell out of me.  I was so smitten with you for so long, and I value our friendship.  I dont want to rush and screw that up because we arent ready.  I am afraid you will hurt me, and therefore am trying to keep you at an arm’s distance.  I am sorry if you dont get that.
5. You make me laugh like no one I have ever known.  I’d love to sit on the couch with you in pajamas and watch monty python.  I think you might be the only person who has ever said to me: "fair thee well, Lady Katie".  You slay me, with the characters you become.  You are so underestimated by the people who know you, and I defend you whenever I can.  I will never tell you what they say about you, because it would kill you.
6. You need to believe.  Life sucks sometimes, and happiness can seem just out of reach.  But faith, little one.
7. You are one proud motherfucker.  But I still love you. 
8. You get much more for $31,000 a year than I should give you.  And for you to treat me like some sort of ungratefull ass really pisses me off.  Ill be here till after catalog season, but after that you are on your own, fucker.  You go work a saturday.  Or hell, any day that you arent golfing.
9. I’ll call you soon.  Maybe.  I just dont like talking to you when you are drunk, and I have yet to discover a time that you arent.
10.  You can write prose on my skin with your mouth.  It will be fabulous.

Nine Things About Myself:

1.  I think I finally feel like I am not ugly.
2.  I want to be single for a while.
3.  I love my kids, and now that I can make my own decisions, I feel like thats so much better.
4.  I am not materialistic, and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable when people spend money on me.
5.  I want to paint again.  I want to draw.  Figures, snapshots of humanity.
6.  I need my solitude, except for when I am lonely.
7.  I love music, and it always means something to me
8.  I text too much.  Really.
9.  Green is my favorite color. Bright yellowy green.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart:

1.  Tell me that you like kids, and mean it
2.  Talk to me until it is long past your bedtime
3.  Listen to my music
4.  Write me pretty words
5.  Look at me with fire in your eye
6.  Talk about your philosophy on life
7.  Touch my face
8.  Smell nice.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:
1.  Skin under my hands
2.  How much I want to go to the museum
3.  My kids
4.  Freedom
5.  Breath on my skin
6.  That I need to schedule my road test
7.  That might be entering my midlife crisis

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:

1.  Lock the house, turn off all the lights.
2.  Tell my kids goodnight
3.  Brush teeth
4.  Get a drink of water
5.  Put on flannel pajama pants
6.  Think about things with that clarity that dosnt ever seem to exist outside of bedsheets

Five People Who Mean A Lot:

1.  My kids
2.  Jamie
3.  Jessi
4.  Julie
5.  Kathi

Four Things I’m Wearing Right Now:

1.  Mustard yellow flats
2.  Trouser jeans
3.  Grey pintucked blouse
4.  Teal blue corduroy trench (it is cold in here)

Three Songs That I Listen to Often (Currently):

1.  Name: Goo Goo Dolls
2.  Hey Ya: Obadiah Parker (folky cover of annoying outkast song)
3.  Crash Into Me: Dave Matthews (Live @ Radio City version)

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1.  Travel, to everywhere.  Yes, everywhere.
2.  Create all I was meant to create.

One Confession:

I am not sure I can love anyone.  Right now, I would just settle for one night where I felt like it all mattered and it was true.  I dont care if that is with someone who loves me or not, or if i ever see them again.  I just want to feel like there was purpose.  This can repeat, with you or anyone else (no, maybe not you).