Sometimes…

The night is a lonely place…even for me.

Evening breeze rustles in my windows, since it is cool enough to open them.  I saw leaves on the ground yesterday, and I welcome the cool nights.  This particular night, I find myself wistful and melancholy.  I feel unsure and vulnerable.  Mary isnt here for the moment, which gives me a moment to breathe.  She has been so insistent lately, it is chiseling away at my reserve.  Buying me anything I want, bringing me things I didnt ask for.  Cuddling me and being cute.  Saying she loves me, and explaining to be time and again how amazing it could be if we could just date. *sigh*  I dont want that.  Or do i?  Do I really want to be alone forever?  No, maybe she isnt perfect.  Maybe she is going to be someone I am not really attracted to.  Yes, she will eventually tire of the niceties, and we will once again be two ships passing in the night.  But at least I would know there was someone there to warm my bed.

Maybe I just dont want to care anymore.  I wish Jamie would leave me alone.  Stop calling me.  Stop texting me.  I cant be your friend.  I’m sorry I mailed you.  I am sorry I sent you that cd.  I wish I hadnt.  I dont want to hear about her anymore, I dont want to hear your laugh anymore.  I dont want to open my inbox and see your name.  Maybe you never really cared, and I was just a stupid girl.  Well, if that is so, it shouldnt be too hard for you to lose my number.

I just want to be the kind of person that doesnt care that you have a girlfriend.  I dont want to care that you might miss me.  I dont want to care that I could hurt you.  I dont want to care that you might wish you never met me.  Because maybe for a moment you could make me feel special.  I’ll take that moment, and leave before you realize I’m really not.  I’m going to do that because i am tired of being that other woman.  The one that misses.  The one that hurts.  The one that cares, and wishes they never met you.

So fuck you.  Fuck you.