Pour l’amour de nouvelles expériences

I just watched "Into The Wild".  I had been meaning to watch it for months now, and finally shirked my household duties for a couple of hours to watch it.  Sometimes it seems like even those precious minutes are stolen.  As if I havent even the right to enjoy a film.

No matter.  It wasnt a disappointment.  Although it was a great movie, and a compelling story, it made me unsettled and unhappy.  Makes me think too much, I suppose.

I’m stuck now, in this middle.  She is leaving, so she says.  I want her gone gone gone gone gone gone gone.  Leave already.  Leave me with this crushing loneliness and this insatiable hunger.  Leave me to battle ants in the driveway and the neverending laundry.  Leave me to spend my evenings identifying typefaces and signing off aim when those I wish not to speak with always seem to be the ones messaging.  Leave me to be the one she turns to, the one she counts on and cant spend 3 days without speaking to.  Leave me to be the one who listens, but never speaks.  Leave me to smoke one more cigarette–one more–while the breeze flutters the shades in the moonlight, with the sound of trains passing in the distance.  Leave me to dream of the transient embrace I’ve never known.  Leave me to wake, embittered by the inability to remain in sleep.  Leave.  Me.  Alone.

Perhaps in the silence of your absence, I will once again be reborn.  The timbre of my own voice willl grow stronger, more sure, without yours to eclipse it. 

I don’t need you.  No, maybe there isnt love for me.  I come with a pretty heavy load, and thanks to you it crushes me under its weight.  Never could I go a day without being reminded how inconvenient I have made your life.  Because of you, and your fickle fucked up emotions, I believe it would take a whole hell of a lot for me to ever consider coming out of this prison of solitude.  But that’s okay too.

I’m wounded.  I dont expect anyone to want to heal that.  So, in historically "me" fashion, I’ll just brick it up.  There are an awful lot of fucking bricks around here with you written all over them.  So much of me, walled off.  I hate myself for giving you that power.  The power to hurt me. 

No one will ever get that opportunity again.