For Comfort

My heart is breaking tonight. As long as I can remember I’ve always run to my music when I’m hurting this much. I can’t do that tonight. I couldn’t even listen to anything on my way home from work. Music has never been this painful for me. It’s scary. No, I don’t want to write about it. Is that because I don’t want to face the reality or is it because I’m still holding onto hope? I honestly don’t know.

 
I’m trying to keep my head as empty as possible. The TV is on but I couldn’t tell you what the last 3 shows have been about. I’m doing my best to just be numb. I’ve been fighting with getting into the tequila but I’ve got some health issues that are preventing me from going there. Thank goodness for small favors, right?
 
I’ve noticed something about my emotional state. I don’t seem to be able to mask it very well anymore. My emotions seem to bleed out of me. If I still had any girlfriends from high school I’d ask if it’s always been this way with me. I’m pretty sure this is new. I’m also quite positive that it’s because I’m done with masks & pretending that things are okay when they’re not. At the surface, I’m a much more genuine me. That’s progress, at least I think it is.
 
I could swear that even my puppies know that I’m hurting. They’re reluctant to leave my side since I plopped myself down & curled up on the couch. Even when they were called for dinner they looked at me as if to say, will you be all right while we’re gone? If I wasn’t struggling with tears so bad I’d have laughed at the almost comical expressions.
 
My son knows it too. I’ve hardly seen more than the back of that kid’s head lately. We did yard work & watched a movie the other night but he spent a good deal of the movie texting. Even as we pulled weeds & swept leaves he was very quiet & seemed to be deep in thought. My son & I can talk about anything so I know that he’ll come to me if he really needs me. 
 
Tonight it’s the other way around. I needed his closeness. Without saying a single word, he laid down next to me & leaned his head on my hip. I gave him the TV remote so that he could change the TV to whatever he wanted to watch. I scratched his head like I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t always been very physically affectionate with my son. The beautiful thing is that when these small moments happen they get etched into my core. It was comforting & I really, really needed that.
 
I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to pour out all my heartache. I wanted him to be my support while I cried like a baby. My therapist says that’s wrong. I know she’s right but I really miss my best friend. I held my tongue & just scratched his head until I heard him snoring. Then, I ushered him off to his bed. 
 
He gave me a similar look that the puppies gave me. His eyes seemed to say…
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Are you gonna be all right?
 
But he only asked, if I was going to bed too. I said, "In a little while". 
 
I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight though. I don’t think I’ll sleep until the exhaustion takes over. I hope that doesn’t take more than one night.
 
…Good night & sweet dreams, my Love.