For Growing Up
Tequila taught me a lesson …twice!
Haha! It’s not what you think. Well, the first time it was.
I used to drink way too much as a teen. When you combine lots of tequila with an I don’t give a fuck attitude it isn’t pretty. I did a lot of ugly things when I was a teen. Luckily, sex scared me & since I was actually fully satisfying my own needs with self-love I often let my fear guide me OUT of even worse situations. It didn’t stop me from doing very shameful things that put me in danger. Looking back on it now, I know I’ve been very, very lucky.
I drank so much the night before I gave up that delicious gold liquid that pieces of my night were blurry. I had the mixed up memory of making out & getting groped by at least 4 guys in a single night. One of those guys was the very older brother of my best friend. He was engaged & I really liked his fiancé. I still remember his tongue in my mouth & our hands underneath each other’s shirts, my back pushed up hard against the bathroom sink.
The reality of being tossed around like some sick out of control party favor disgusted me on a level that I couldn’t even face. I lied when my best friend asked me about it the next morning. I pretended that I couldn’t remember anything from that night. Then, I promptly swore off tequila & I actually followed through. I didn’t ever get that drunk on the stuff again until just recently.
I was truly ashamed of myself for the way I behaved that night. The thing that scared me the most is that I had been partying that night at a family party. That party was considerably safer than most parties that I frequented in those days. I used to party with the cholos that knew me well from my Mom’s monster boyfriend. I wasn’t far enough into the gang scene even though a lot of the element hung out at my house. That allowed me to travel & party in lots of other neighborhoods with mostly no fear. The dangerous part is those guys are animals, make no mistake about that. I’ve seen what they do to silly girls that don’t pay attention to how much they drink. If I acted like that at one of those parties I would have been a much more damaged person than I am now.
I write all that to give a little perspective into who I used to be. I’ve feared tequila for years because of those memories. I wouldn’t indulge in my favorite poison out of fear that I could become THAT girl again.
Therapy has shown me that I ignore my own needs & wants far too much out of a skewed sense of responsibility. This battle to continue to be someone I’m not is holding me back in so many different ways.
Lately, I’ve been trying to rediscover joy & fun to combat the misery that I live with on a daily. My warden/husband is almost always stoned. I’ve never been a smoker. It’s just not my poison. There’s a piece of me that resents him for having an escape. Is that his fault? No, THAT isn’t his fault.
<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563);-webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I needed my own release valve for the steam that builds up in a life full of demands. Just maybe, I’d be a more pleasant person if I let myself indulge again. In a very real way, drinking again HAS helped. I don’t drink at all during the week. I don’t even drink every weekend. I’ve enjoyed tipsy Friday & Saturday nights on several occasions since I started drinking again. I’m learning my limit & it has been fun.
That brings me to the second lesson that Jose Cuervo has taught me this late in my life. There isn’t a doomed trigger that will suddenly make you into a shameful image of who you used to be. Especially as grown ups, the choices that we make & the person that we decide to be is truly all of our own doing.
I’m not that crazy party girl throwing myself at all the boys because I’m starving for attention. I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to find those beautiful moments in life when I can exhale & really smile. Nothing controls my actions except myself regardless of who I’ve been in the past. It’s up to me to be a grown-up & make the right choices.
I honestly believe that I’m on that road now. I encourage anyone out there to do the same. We can all be proud of our steps from this day forward as long as we keep making the right moves.