For Being Back

That last entry was a meltdown to the 10th power. I had a really bad day after a series of bad months. I can’t remember the last time I sank that low. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve EVER been that low. 

 
I’ll admit it now. I was ready to be done with all of this. I was so tired of fighting & every road that I had in front of me led to another war. I wanted to give up. I wanted to put all those shiny new Xanax to use. It was too close for comfort. I’m just glad I was rational enough to understand that I needed serious help. I was clear headed enough to know that I’d slipped way too far off balance to trust my own decisions.
 
I had a therapy appointment. I threw it all out there. It was basically my last option before checking out completely. There was nothing else that could be done after unloading all those dangerous emotions besides forcing a mandatory break for me. I expected it & even prolonged my break from life voluntarily for a bit. I needed it badly. I needed to stop for awhile. I needed to meltdown in a safe environment without blame or resentment or anger or worry or obligations. The week off was good for me.
 
I’ve been back in the swing of things for a few weeks now. I’m doing better. I still completed the IOP. I’m even participating in the voluntary after care meetings. The meetings are group. Group has been surprisingly helpful. I didn’t expect that but there’s something very comforting about the support of the circle. Even when there are opposing opinions & differing advice it’s still extremely helpful to hear. I look forward to Wednesdays & will miss the support when it ends in 7 weeks.
 
I’m still not taking medication the way that’s been suggested. I’m too nervous about pharmaceutically messing with my brain functions. Here’s the thing, I’m in charge of my recovery. I decide how this goes because it’s my life. I’m not being stupidly stubborn. If I didn’t start feeling better I was prepared to go ahead & become a lab rat of antidepressants. Fortunately, I’ve started to feel better & stronger.
 
Life has not become pink clouds & unicorns but that’s okay because I AM tough enough to jump those hurdles now. After taking a break from everything, I decided to make my return to everything quite slow. There are some responsibilities that I’m refusing to return to at all. 
 
I’ve let go of some poisonous friendships. I’ve forced my Husband & Son to realize that they are both grown-ups & I will not be the constant backbone for everyone. We all need to learn to stand on our own. It’s been easier on my Son than my Husband. I’m actually very proud of how well my Son has stepped up to the plate. My Husband isn’t doing so well. Our marriage isn’t doing so well. For now, it’s intact but it’s in constant flux. Again, it’s okay. Whatever comes will come, & I’m okay with that because I have to be. That’s actually huge progress that I’m very proud of.
 
I’m even back at work. I was anxious about going back. My first steps into the building nearly triggered my first panic attack in weeks. I took the stairs & reigned myself in. The rest of my day was easy & the rest of the week was even better. My focus is back. I’ve accomplished things this week that seemed too overwhelming when I left. Despite taking a month off, I should still be able to accomplish my yearly goals now. I’m damn good at what I do & it feels good to be back.
 
I haven’t been around here much, not even to read. I was avoiding facing my meltdown. I knew this update entry would be tough to write but I finally felt ready to get it done. I am gonna try to catch up with my faves & make my rounds to note eventually but it may be slow going. I hope everyone is doing well.