For 13,517 Days

I have aged another year. I turned 37 years old on Sunday. I don’t feel any older but I was fully aware of the day. I haven’t had many good birthdays. This Sunday happened to be a very pleasant day. I didn’t get spoiled like a princess. I didn’t go out and get shitfaced drunk. There were no candles to blow out. But, I truly enjoyed my day. I reveled in the long weekend that I had decided to take. All I did was stay home and enjoy a nice quiet day with my boys.

I heard from the handful of people who were aware of the day. I received a few texts and messages that made me smile. Aside from a brief phone conversation with my Mom, I mostly chose to hide from the world. My head is still a little quiet and cloudy but each day feels a little better. I actually wanted to get back to work so that I could write this entry. That’s progress in the right direction. I do believe that I am content with the way life is moving for the moment.

I dug out a few really old movies to remind me of just how many years have gone by. It made me giggly to see both my boys trying to sit through my silly old girly movies. It was so obvious that they were both seriously itching to go play XBOX. I eventually granted them a reprieve. I went out back to soak up some sunshine. Only about 10 seconds had passed before I heard the sound of automatic weapons and explosions. I sat on my bench swing and tried to read for awhile. I couldn’t really concentrate on reading because it was much more fun to watch my dog chase flies while my cat chased the dog.

After my boys got their fill of shooting zombies, they wandered out in the backyard. My husband unwrapped and dusted off the pool table. We haven’t used the pool table yet. I’ve been waiting 8 months to play a few rounds on that table. I used to play pool as a teenager. I hung out for hours at the Teen Lounge inside the City Hall. The Lounge had pool tables, bumper pool tables, video games, and a sitting area with a huge T.V. I loved to play pool. I was a pretty good player. It’s been years since I played, it took a few games to get the hang of it again. I owned that table for our last few rounds. My F-I-L even came out and joined us for few games. It felt good to be better than the guys at something because I can’t play their video games for my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still kick ass when playing Mrs. Pac-Man, Tetris, or even Wii Sports but I could never get the hang of the war games that the boys like.

My husband put in a really good effort for my birthday this year, more than I’ve ever seen him try to pull off. The stress of being so productive put him in a grumpy mood. I could see him biting his tongue and twisting his fingers into knots trying to maintain a cheerful attitude. He tried really hard to be thoughtful. All I’ve ever asked my husband for is kindness. Things had gotten so bad between us that we forgot how to be kind to each other. I won’t lie, it’s still strange. I find myself walking on egg shells sometimes. I worry that this delicate balance may eventually come tumbling down. Things were nice Sunday, both my boys made me feel special. What more could I ask?

I will eventually brave the face-to-face obligatory birthday dinner with my Mom and Sister. I just didn’t feel up to running the gambit of getting ready, driving, and the endless questions of how things are going. I love those ladies but all we ever do when we get together is bitch about men. There has always been hours of bitching to be done but this delicate balance is precarious at best. I need to surround myself with as much joy as I can find. The company of my nephew is the only thing I can bare for the moment. He is a very energetic 2 yr. old that keeps me on my toes. His rambunctious adventures never fail to make me grin from ear-to-ear. I will have to kidnap him again real soon.

My Dad called bright and early on the morning of my birthday. I, of course wasn’t awake yet. I’ve been dancing with my father for too many years. I know he meant to avoid actually talking to me. He did leave a nice message on my voicemail. As per our usual, he added just enough guilt to hurt me and just enough twisted love to make me smile. Our relationship is so complicated. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I will have to call him back soon. He’ll be super irritated that I didn’t call him back on my birthday and that I’ve waited this long to respond at all. I’ll just have to make sure to call him really, really late in the evening. I’ll be able to speak to his much calmer voicemail. *giggles* Like I said, our dance is very complicated.

I shouldn’t be writing right now. One of our team members is on vacation, I can barely keep up with all the work. Actually, I haven’t even caught up from taking Monday off yet. My head finally had something to say, it seemed to be insisting that I come here to write. This is the first entry that I’ve done in years that didn’t come from some overwhelming storm of emotion. This was just a good ol’ fashion brain dump. I love this place. Please, don’t die OD. It’s bothering me that I haven’t had the chance to read or note recently. I hope to get back to that as soon as this whole work situation goes back to normal.

Until then, or until next time. Be well.

Piece of my heart -Janis Joplin

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby
You know you got it if it makes you feel good
Oh, yes indeed.

You’re out on the streets looking good
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain’t right.
Never, never, never, never, never, never, hear me when I cry at night
Babe, and I cry all the time!
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again.

I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on yeah take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now baby
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take another little piece of my heart

now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, c’mon now.
Oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it

WHOAHHHHHHH!

Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, have
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good