For the Last Time

I will not be your doormat anymore. I will not let you control every aspect of my life. I will not allow you to dismiss the things that I need in this life. I will no longer accept guilt trips and demands in the name of being a good wife. You will learn to treat me with respect and love, or you will no longer have me there at all.

I will no longer hide the person that I am, you will accept me or I will learn to accept myself alone. I’ve bended and molded and changed everything to try to make you happy. That is over. I will reshape this unrecognizable stranger that I’ve become. You will learn to love who I am, or I will walk away and learn to love myself. I will learn what makes me happy from now on, and I intend to go after it full force. You will need to figure out for yourself if this new woman is still your "entire world" because if it’s the fake version of me that you loved than this marriage really is over. I can’t imagine that she was because you certainly haven’t shown any sign of warmth or love in years.

You need to recognize that things will change, one way or another. You need to stop waiting for me to "come to my senses". I am in my right mind for the first time in 19 years. This is the real me and I am here to stay. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am special. I deserve to be treated as such. I will give myself the things I deserve if you disagree but I will do it alone. I will no longer be ignored or mistreated when our opinions differ. The name calling, and disrespect ends now. I am no longer afraid of you or of what happens when this marriage ends. I am already making plans for the what my life will be with OR without you.

I am furious with myself for becoming what I was. That will not happen again. I am done being silent and submissive all in the name of making this work. I know now that I will not die without you. I will not crumble permanently. I can and will move on if you force me to. Don’t misjudge my forgiveness as a weakness because I am stronger and more determined than I have ever been. That is the reason that I am willing to try this again. I am willing because I know you don’t have the power to change my mind this time. I demand respect. I don’t need you, I never have but I do want you and that is why I will go home. Each time that I’ve left, it has become a little bit easier. Change, learn, grow or accept because this is your last chance. You better understand that you haven’t tricked, twisted, or changed my mind. This is what I want, I’m doing what feels right for me. I need to give 19 years of my life a final shot. We’re gonna try this again on my terms for once.

I don’t have much hope. I don’t believe you at this point. Prove me wrong. Please. The next time I leave, I promise you it will be for good.