For the Enigma of Life
It’s that time again. If you are sensitive to whining, self loathing and just plain bitchiness do not read any further.
I can’t breathe. I can’t catch my breath and get it together. My hands are shaking. My stomach is sick. I can barely get these words on the screen focused. I feel like this whole routine that I work through on a daily basis is such a bullshit façade that I just don’t want to do it anymore. That worthless feeling is seeping into my core and it’s physically painful. I hear everyone around me just droning on and I want to stand up and scream “Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up!” What are the odds that I’ll get fired if I do? Where’s the line drawn between mental health medical leave and just plain fired?
Get it together. Get it together. Get it together, Mouse! This has been my mantra for the last 6 years at least. It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s what helps me put one foot in front of the other. The scale that I sit on is so delicately balanced that it is far too easily tipped into this abyss. How much longer do I have to pretend to be strong? When will someone finally be strong for me? I know this is all just nonsense. It’s that damn darkness again. It’s that soul sucking sadness that envelopes the mind beyond my control. Get it together? How? Not just how, but why? What’s the point?
All right Mouse, what’s really going on? Get it out, and let it go.
I feel like I’m failing my son. I’ve done my very best to teach him what he needs to do in order to be successful. I’ve talked openly and honestly with him about my mistakes in hopes that he will understand and learn from them. I know that I am far too lenient on my child but it’s because our life is already so difficult. His father asks so much more than what should be expected from a young man. I’m afraid to pressure my son anymore when he already carries such a heavy load.
Time is not on our side, there is no wiggle room this year. My son’s usual care-free style and nonchalant attitude cannot be tolerated. I punish my 18 year old child ruefully. My son is extremely stressed and withdrawn because of all these reprimands. It makes me heart-sick. I exist to make my son happy and to see his smile. When I become the thorn in his side, it makes me bleed.
I hope that someday he will understand that I did the best that I knew how to do. I won’t try to sell it the way it was sold to me. I don’t believe that he’ll realize when he’s older that it was all for his own good. That’s bullshit. I am now an adult. I am fully aware that the pain my parents caused me wasn’t always for my own good. The unhealthy relationships that my parents taught me to endure are permanently damaging lessons that I struggle with everyday. Was that taught to me for my own good?
Every ounce of pain that I ever caused my son left wounds in me far deeper than I could ever explain. Every frustrated tear that my child ever shed drowned me in my own pool of despair. All I can do is hope for his laughter to return and with it the sunshine in my heart.
The Enigma of Life by Sirenia
Still speaks the silence
It speaks in riddles to my mind
And time keeps passing by
As I walk tearful through this life
Dreams pass by silently,
I see them waving back at me
All hope is long since gone,
I guess it really never was there at all
A mirage passed on
I know the darkness will break me
And you cannot save me, can’t catch my fall
I feel the sorrow embrace me, this life depraves me
I’m lost forevermore
My life darkens year by year, and no one seems to really care
My fear always lingers here, it’s growing stronger deep inside of me
It won’t set me free
I know the darkness will break me
And you cannot save me, can’t catch my fall
I feel the sorrow embrace me, this life depraves me
I’m lost forevermore
Tears shed in silence, they run in rivers down my face
And what am I still living for, I cannot take this pain no more
I think that when he grows up and has a family of his own, he will be able to look back and know without a doubt that you love him and you did the absolute best for him that you could. I think he knows that now, but it may be harder for him to sort all that out in the middle of all the turmoil. You have always been his rock and the one he relies on.
Warning Comment
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Like me, you are just out there doing the best you can for your kid. We aren’t perfect, but we love and live the only way we know how.
Warning Comment
I must say that I love the way you write. I enjoy the way you string words together, as I am a fan of writing style. “Soul sucking sadness “, for example. I love, and use lot of alliteration in my writing, so I appreciate that style in others. As far as I can tell, you appear to be a very loving and dedicated mother, one that any child would be lucky to have. I’m sure your son appreciates the lessons you are teaching him. As difficult as they may be for him to swallow right now, I am certain that he knows you mean well. I wish that the sadness you feel would subside. I can relate wholeheartedly, of course. Life is such a conundrum most days. I’m sorry that your parents taught you the wrong lessons about life, and love. As you well know by now, being a parent is by no means easy. I think you are doing the best that you can. In time, your son will resize that. RYN: I appreciate your honesty, and do believe that in time, I will be strong enough to deal with this situation. Part of my reason for leaving, was to rediscover myself. I have felt a lot of negative vibes here and sense that this is the right course of action, at this present time. I have not given up. To be continued….
Warning Comment
Sometimes pains from a parent is for a child’s good. Just because there are past memories of pains that weren’t for your good, doesn’t mean that which you do for your son’s good are bad (and in the end it’s all perspective, even though you are his mother, you don’t always know what is best… though you try… but it’s okay to get it wrong).
Warning Comment