Friday **

Feeling so stressed today!  I can’t even put my finger on the reason.  I think it’s just knowing that the next three weeks are going to be hectic.  I also have difficulty with things I can’t take control of, like time.  My pattern seems to be dwelling on a problem for a period of time, then deciding on a solution, then taking charge and making it happen.  Right now I can’t do that because I have to wait for certain things to occur that are out of my control.

But basically, I just have to make it through the next three weeks, and take it one day at a time.  The culmination will be on 5 July, when one of the partners is throwing a party.  I think I can finally relax at that date, because everything will be done by then.  

My boss wasn’t in the office much at all today due to a bunch of out of office meetings.  I sort of fumbled through, catching up on old tasks like creating new precedents for the bankruptcy database, closing out old files that require sorting and boxing, stuff like that.  I was certainly glad to see 5pm roll around, even if it meant coming home to this shithole.  Asshole neighbours had a bust up around 4am this morning and when I was walking the dog I saw the guy sleeping in the smashed up, wheel-less car that they have in the garage.  What a fucking loser. 

Tonight I am going to attack the bathroom with a bottle of bleach spray.  It means taking out our toiletry bags, all towels and any laundry hanging in there, because I have to spritz the entire ceiling and about a foot down the walls from the ceiling.  So much spotty, gross mould.  There is zero ventilation in this apartment, and no amount of heaters or fans can hold this mould at bay.  It’s a very damp apartment and our clothes grow mould in the closet (even with multiple moisture absorbers hanging in there).  Horrible.

I also need to attack the stove, which gets grotty and is hard to clean when there is nowhere to store the pots except ON TOP of the stove.  

I have a couple of small boxes to pack my DVDs into, and they will travel with me to mother’s house tomorrow.  I need to decide on what other boxes can come with me.  

I spoke to mother today.  She called me at work, which I find irritating, but I guess she knows I never answer my mobile.  I am scared that I am being an idiot by opening up to her, considering how she has hurt me in the past and proven to be untrustworthy.  But, like I said, this may be an opportunity to mend our bridges.  And … I just feel so lost lately.  Like, I reached out to a couple of friends and pretty much said I am not coping at all, and that I am feeling needy and that I need their help right now.  They responded accordingly, but it’s not keeping me together.  It’s so hard for me to admit I need help, that I’m not strong enough to deal with something.  I called my Dad a few times, but he doesn’t know what’s going on and I am too tired to start from the beginning.  M is here, of course, but it’s not ENOUGH.  What if I open up to mother and this comes back to bite me on the ass?  But what if she HELPS.  I am so torn.  I will try to talk to her tomorrow and test the waters.  

Great.  My asshole neighbours just kicked the shit out of their dog again. 

Anyway.  Time is short, and I have so much to do. Thanks for reading, I know I am a burden when I am updating every single day.