SaTURDay

 Today has been pretty bad, as far as my anxiety goes.  Bogan neighbours had yet another huge domestic last night.  I don’t want to say much about it, but it’s pretty damn bad.  Slept horribly, kept getting woken up by each round of fighting.  Woke early and gave up on sleep.  Walked the dog, got myself dressed and met my sister to go shopping.

That was nice.  We had fun, we picked out a nice gift for the christening we are going to tomorrow.  Talked a little bit of crap, and shopped for clothes.  I am currently feeling OUTRAGEOUS because I spent (the equivalent of )$55 on clothing!  I got two jumpers and a t-shirt, and I had a $5 discount coupon at one store, and used $20 from a giftcard at another store.  So, my out of pocket expense was $30, and I got good bargains on everything, considering how expensive clothing is here – but I still feel guilty and frivolous!  Just goes to show how cheap I have become and how I try so hard to scrimp on things so that we can get ahead.  

I am currently wearing one of my new jumpers, which has a pattern of little squirrels on it, and feeling special. 🙂

M and I went over to mother’s house to use her washing machine to wash our winter blanket.  It had been stored during summer and smelt musty.  Mother’s washing machine is an absolute dream compared to ours (which is as rough as beating the clothes on rocks).  My brother dropped by while we were there (the brother that lives there) and again offered us to stay in his room, as both he and mother were going to be away this weekend.  We declined, because we are really okay here.  I am scared of my erratic neighbours, but it’s not like they’re going to kick our heads in or anything.  We just need to get away from them.  

We’re looking at around 4 weeks until the building work is completed and we can move in over there.  I just feel so pathetic, though, running back to her because we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.  After all that fuss I made over pulling myself away from her.  All the bad things I continue to say about her.  And here she is – going to extremes to bail me out.  I suppose that is a mother’s job, but we don’t have a conventional relationship.  All I can do is be appreciative, and try to remember this next time I am feeling negative towards her.

I am dodging the hard questions at work right now.  The people I work with closely saw me upset last week after the tyre incident, and are now asking when I am moving, have we found a new place yet?  I can’t tell them that I am moving to mother’s house to avoid signing a new lease, because I plan to be in the US by the end of September … But the clock is ticking, and I will be opening that can of worms shortly whereby I tell my boss my plans.  

So M has been wanting to see Iron Man 3, and we were going to go last week, but I was really feeling upset and we postponed it to this weekend.  Again, I wasn’t feeling it at all, but he has been trapped in the house for a few weeks, so I sucked it up and we went.  The movie was great and it’s an affordable night out for us.  I was so fucking anxious, though.  I’m really having a hard time with that right now.  I got a handle on it towards the end of this week, but it’s gotten away from me.  I think it’s because the neighbours have been fighting since Thursday evening, so I am tense and waiting for the yelling, the slamming doors, the sounds of him smacking her around. 

And before anyone gets all crazy on me for not DOING ANYTHING about him smacking her around, you need to come and hear the arguments.  I have no doubt that she gives it back to him just as bad, and you ought to hear her pushing and pushing and pushing him.  I’m not defending him at all – he is a piece of shit.  And this is why I didn’t want to talk about it, so let’s just cut it there. 

So we’re going to a christening tomorrow, and then before I know it we will be back into another working week.  That passes quickly, and we’ll be a week closer to being out of here.  I am using my tried and tested trick of keeping myself busy with small tasks each day, things that get us a step or two closer to our goal.  

Mother’s house is fascinating to me, because she’s so fucked up.  She’s got a new piece of miracle exercise equipment, an "Ab Rocker Pro" or some shit.  The fridge is empty, hand copied recipes pinned to the front of the fridge for weightloss soups.  On mother’s day she had told my sister and I that her new diet was starting the next day – 600 calories per day, eaten in one meal.  "It really works!" she said.  

I weighed myself on her digital scale.  Fully dressed, with shoes, I was 68kg (149.6lbs).  I was 73kg (160lbs) so I guess I did lose a lot of weight this week. I’m down two belt loops, and that’s after I have actually gained back some weight just by being able to actually eat something the last couple of days.  Don’t get me wrong, I can certainly afford to lose this week.  I would really like to lose another 5kg, just to feel comfortable.  60kg to 63kg seemed to be my optimum weight – I maintained that while I was in the US and felt pretty good.  

This entry is now much longer than I had planned, but I am feeling quite calm now that I am back at home, it’s quiet next door (so far) and I will be going to bed soon to be warm and snuggled up with Ernie (and M some time around midnight).