Treading Water

 Not doing well.  I am sliding down into a black hole.  Can’t sleep, can’t concentrate at work, can’t eat.  I am teary and upset and just wanting to tear the head off anyone who dares speak to me.  I am craving the company of others, but have nothing to say.  I wandered into Sally’s office today and she looked up and I just said, "hi" and started to tear up.  Thankfully she is a wonderful woman who promptly closed her office door, handed me a tissue and just listened to me bitch and moan about everything that has been going on lately.

I am just so anxious.  I have to make an appointment to see my GP for a pap smear, so I am going to ask her to recommend some anti-anxiety medication.  I don’t want anti-depressants and being tied to a pill each day, I just want something to help me when things get particularly bad.  As for the pap smear, I am dreading that.  I have only had one ONCE before, ONCE since I was 18, and I am now 28.  I am just incredibly fearful of them, and tend to embarrass myself by carrying on like a child.  I bet my doctor thinks I have been molested as a child.  So I am dreading that quite badly, but need to just suck it up and get it done.  

Some good(ish) news today.  I have done some research and M is not required to attend my visa interview.  It is suggested that he is present, as it can only give the right impression of a supportive husband, but it is not a deal breaker if he is not there.  What that means is that we can set dates and just see how things play out as far as the interview date. 

We have to give 21 days notice when we move out of this apartment.  Tomorrow I am going to ask my brother when he is going overseas, which will be the date we can move from here back into my mother’s clutches, I mean house.  M and Ernie will depart while we are there, and when my brother returns from overseas in August, I can shift to my sister’s house so he can have his room back. 

Then, in September, I can go.  

If I think about it like this, we have 6 or 7 weeks left in this apartment.  That means we need to get very serious about moving our stuff.  I will speak with M about getting rid of the couch next week or so.  That is a big one.  Getting rid of the couch means us moving into the bedroom to hang out, to eat, AND to sleep.  That is pretty hectic.  We can borrow some chairs to sit on in the living area, but obviously it won’t be anything comfortable.  

Time to get VERY serious about this, because it is happening. 

I just can’t fucking wait to give our notice to move out of here. That’s my closest goal.