What is it with me??!

I don’t know why, but I am a hoarder. I always promised myself I wouldn’t do it because my Ma is terrible for it. However, for some reason after my Dad died I started clinging onto things and I can’t seem to stop it, in so many areas of my life. One way it has manifested itself, is my incredible inability to delete emails and text messages that mean something to me… at the end of the day its just words, it doesn’t really matter and whats more- some of them are words from so long ago, they are definitely irrelevant now.
But for some reason now and again, I look back at those texts and emails, then get all nostalgic for a life I never had… I was so in love with someone once and for some reason, even though he loved me too, I couldn’t sort myself out in order to do something about it. I still think about that guy a lot but it’s very obvious he neeeeeever thinks about me, so this romantic vision I have about what might of been – probably, well to be honest, certainly doesn’t and didn’t ever exist. I shouldn’t keep those emails because they make me sad, but in a weird way they make me happy too because I know someone did love me very much… even if it was long ago.

 I also read an email from someone who loved me and who I didn’t reciprocate, mainly because I didn’t see it till it was too late and it wasn’t until I really went through it myself that I understood just how that guy felt. I suppose I didn’t see how much he liked me and he was a truly smashing guy as well. I can’t help but wonder what might have been with either of these guys, but it just made me think today that I might have already had the love of my life in my grasp and let it go or I might have even been looking the other way and never noticed him at all…

I think the reason I had a look at those emails today was because I have been a bit flirty with a guy at work over e mail; although it is all rather innocent in comparison to the emails I just looked at from my past! I shouldn’t live in the past so much. Perhaps I should give my life a little spring clean or something.
 This guy has a fiance you see. Not that he would ever look twice at me.

The thing is, my friend seems to think we are extremely well suited and I should give him my number!! I am trying to ignore it all – perhaps I should stop e mailing…this always happens to me. I wouldn’t ever do anything about it anyway, even if I reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaallly liked him, because he is attached. Besides, I am quite sure it is entirely innocent from his point of view- even if we do e mail all bloody day instead of working.

 Love/Life never seems to work out in quite the right way- well I am sure it works out in the right way just not as I plan it exactly!

 Much as I hate to admit it and I have always felt there is someone out there for everybody…it doesn’t always mean you find them I suppose.