What to do? What a to do??

I have just gotten back from an extended weekend down south, about 2 hours from where I currently live. After a bit of thought, I decided to go and have an interview for an admin job I applied for, on a kind of whim- didn’t expect to get an interview but I did and decided to go and see what it was about.

To cut a long story short, I think they want to offer me the job (judging by the messages I have been left) but I am too scared to ring them as I know they will want an answer then and there, I don’t know if I even want it, I am not happy with my life at the moment but I don’t think this job would make it any better because it is leading me down a career path I don’t think I am really interested in. It would involve a lot of upheaval… and living with the man I left a year ago.

We have been getting closer again lately – I think it’s because we are both a bit lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I do love him but I am not sure if I am in love with him exactly and I certainly don’t like feeling pressured by him to take a job that doesn’t interest me in order to move back in with him. I do hate my job at the moment and I can’t live where I am for much longer but I don’t know if I really want the life I feel I am sort of heading towards- I don’t really understand his rush anyway if, as he claims, he doesn’t want marriage and children- surely it doesn’t matter how long it takes for me to move – does it? I moved for him once before and it all went wrong- a lot of that was because I had no job but surely he can understand my trepidation? It was probably a mistake to apply for this job. I try and bear in mind what one of my noters said in my last entry, just because people are in a couple- doesn’t mean they are a happy couple necessarily. It would do me good to remember just how down I was a little over a year ago, when technically I was part of a couple. I don’t want to just settle for someone especially when I have sneaking suspicion they might be settling for me. I know how he felt once is how I would like him to feel now…but I don’t think he does. He probably thinks the same sort of thing about me…

I am only writing about this because I read an entry of one of my favourite diarists here and he was speaking about ’49-up’. For those that don’t know, it is a documentary that has followed the lives of a group of individuals at seven year gaps, since the age of seven- they are now at 49. It’s extremely interesting to watch their lives progress in different ways, but the issues it raises have made me consider my own life and whether I am happy with my current path- especially as it is my 26th birthday tomorrow.

 I feel like my life has been in a sort of limbo where I don’t know what the hell I want or what I am doing, it has felt a bit like this since I left Uni. Sometimes I feel like getting on a train and just leaving… just vanishing, but I never would because it would upset my Ma… but sometimes…

My birthday makes me more philosophical as I get older ( because I am like, sooooooo old….)

That’s all I have to say at the moment.