Eight Years Running…

Eight years ago I began writing here at OD; I was an angsty twenty year old recouping from what I felt was abandonment from the Father that I hoped wanted to make me a part of his life. I was fighting/not speaking with my Mom who had been the one piece of solid ground in my sea of life. Martin and I had recently gotten together and I was going through the ups and downs of a new relationship…a rebound off from an atrocious relationship I had gotten out of with the support of Martin. As big of a jerk he can be time and time again, he always was and always will be my knight in shining armor.
How life has changed in the past eight years; sometimes I cannot fathom all that I have endured: abandoned relationships and renewed relationships. Witnessing life, witnessing death and making promises of til death do us part. I have shed many tears of sadness but many more out of happiness. I lived the life of a Marine wife and as a civilian wife; I persisted through long deployments and celebrated our togetherness many months later. I survived loneliness, deceit and moments of despair. In the past 9 years I went from a confused teenager living a life of chaos and disappointment to a strong minded woman of many values and virtues.
I have such a difficult time wrapping my mind around change and the rate of which time passes. This year I celebrate the fact that I graduated high school ten years ago. Next year I celebrate ten years of togetherness with Martin. The year after that I pretend to celebrate my thirtieth birthday. How time evades me and I would be lying if I didn’t confess that is scares me immensely.
With all of the change in the wind, I have decided to make change to my journal here at Open Diary. Until I am able to find the time to upgrade to a lifetime member, go through every single entry I ever wrote and then chapter them accordingly, I will be making all past entries private. Some of them will later be adjusted to public or friends only, but for now I want my fresh beginning. I go in spurts here at OD; going months at a time without writing and then coming back with an angry fury. When I don’t write, I miss it. I tend to bottle things up and carry them around. I forget moments that I wanted to remember. I must find time to write as it is how I lighten my spirits.
In another odd move…I am going to invite some of my friends and family to my life here at Open Diary. While I may occasionally make a “friend’s only” entry for those private thoughts, maybe I need to allow those who are close to me in my world. Sometimes I don’t know how to express myself to those that I love. While I am good with written words, I don’t tend to vocally express myself quite as well. For lack of better words, I don’t “do” emotion. I don’t like emotional conversations…I don’t like sharing. I cry easily (I am tearing up now, for that matter) and don’t like the world to witness my weakness. Sometimes it is easier for me to avoid than to address anything. No matter how remorseful, how disappointed or how upset I may be I swallow the pain/sadness whole and carry on; the burden growing heavier on my heart because I just don’t know how to communicate my feelings accordingly via vocal sharing.
So with that being said, welcome to the new world of Booo. My name is still the same, but my efforts are conforming to the waves of change.
 
 
*Might I note that the maintenace portion of OD could be a bit more user friendly. Going private has been a rather tedious task and, as of now, still in the works.  The one thing that has remained constant at OD…it’s lack of upgraded software and script. By gosh. Over 1,200 entries I have written. Wowsers*