darling, i miss you
do you have the time
please
i’m seeking grasping changing ever
effortlessly drowning
i house chasms deep enough
lonely for a quick fuck
or just a touch
a lingering goodbye
standing in your front yard
chairs knocked over at our feet
a cat waiting in the car
hungry eyes
i revisit this, unrevised
black and white movies
you held me so i kissed you
but we slept alone that night
dreaming of the streetlights
and our shadows linked
by trembling handsthe hidden messages are always for you
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oh. xo
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o, how i remember one of your old boyfriends said “your love is the love of a whore”… “it isn’t true” i comforted you…you kissed me with a mouth that will never love… your old boyfriends…you keep them in the pockets of your overcoat. but i would still take you back into my life. funny. folding. remoulding and remoulding / without changing. but, as ever, estranging. beloved stranger.
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i love. immensely.
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do you? what is love? warmth. tenderness. honesty. loyalty. sacrifice. do you?
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i didn’t claim to. besides, your biblical quote sets up an entirely unrealistic ideal. no human being can possibly live up to that. why would you aspire to that when you don’t even bother with the fundamentals? see if you can get the golden rule down first.
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i know your actions.
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in fact, i probably know you, even now, in some ways, better than anyone else. why do i say that? because i’ve seen your many faces. you only show one side of yourself at a time. you carefully control how you are perceived, what you say, what you do. each person gets a different version of you. i don’t think anyone knows the real you, who you are, what you stand for. maybe not even you.
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what i’ve found though, is that you’re someone i don’t particularly care to know. i think you’re fundamentally someone who is basically only concerned with yourself. i’ve even considered the possibility that you’re a sociopath. i don’t think you are, but i do think your conscience is seriously broken.
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because you still haunt me. i needed answers. i needed closure. i needed a reason to hate you, or a reason not to. i *have* tried to leave you alone. it’s just too easy to come read what you write, here and elsewhere. i almost had respect for you after you got married. i lost it when i found out you were cheating on him. your behavior since and after that utterly disgusted me.
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and the point is, i have a lot of bitterness and resentment towards you. i’ve kept it almost entirely to myself. which isn’t good to do. it festers inside. is it surprising that i let it out on you from time to time? when you proclaim **** like “i love immensely” when your actions have so often said otherwise, it’s too great a temptation not to call you out on it.
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“i never meant to hurt you” ha! you went out of your way to do things that you knew would hurt me. that’s a fact. the same with will. he was just easier to keep in the dark. and now look at him: “i’d take you back, waah i’m so sad.” pathetic. it’s too bad you can’t come clean about how you were cheating on him for the better part of a year before you left.
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maybe that would help him see you for what you really are, help him move on. and for the record, i gleaned all i know from your public posts. i’m not breaking into your accounts or any bull**** like that. you say “the harm you did me” as if it was at all on the same level as what you did. what was the worst i ever did? lie a couple of times about looking at porn? compared to your cheating?
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at least i was actually trying to be honest, be better for you. be what you wanted. i think you gave up at some point. just did what you wanted and lied about it. like this entry about geoff. it sure is nice how you lied about kissing him. it sure is nice when you say you regret not having ****ed him when you had the chance. which of course would have meant cheating on me. that makes me feel good.
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do you remember that last week we were together here, at your parents house… i got quiet suddenly because a feeling, a thought came over me – you asked what was wrong. hesitantly i said i had this feeling and i asked you if there was anything else i didn’t know about besides will, anyone you had kissed or the like. do you remember? and you looked at me lovingly and said, “no, love, no one else”
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except that was a lie, wasn’t it? as this entry attests. i believed you because i believed your love. but it was a lie you told. so was your love a lie? you’ve said you regret every relationship before you were 20. which includes us. so i know how you feel about me. i thought it was particularly disgusting when you f*cked two people in the same day. and another person within a day?
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vile. and ironic, since you always claimed to have not much a sex drive. well, you seem happy with yourself. i just needed to vent at you because i think you’re a selfish lying rotten bitch, etc. i’ve been keeping that to myself for a while; it comes up from time to time. i haven’t forgiven you because i still learn knew truths from time to time. like this entry.
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and i think, “so she lied about that too.” and believe it or not, it still hurts. when i remember how you lied to me. with love in your voice. i don’t have anything useful to say. i think i’m done for now. so i’ll f*ck off.
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knew=new, two posts up. obviously.
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yeah i don’t think you get that the things you do, the things you’ve done still hurt me i don’t know why maybe i gave you too much
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