Lack Of Words

I can’t stop feeling this really annoying pain of depression lately. Seems like when things get great that’s when I have a downfall of crappiness.

Kasi and I are doing good. Coming up on our 3rd year anniversary. I mean..we are as married as married gets.

My brother and his Fiancee had their baby girl. She’s PERFECT in EVERY sense. So cute and smiles like crazy. Well from what I can see from pictures. I won’t get to go out and see her until December. Can’t wait to be home with my family and friends. I miss them all so much.

Work is going great. Got my raise..which is always good…love my job more than ever and made the top 25 Signs and Graphics list in the company in the world. Look at me go.

So all these things are going great, but yet my life feels so empty. Kasi and I are doing great…but I miss my friends. Seems like I never do anything. We went to Gulf Shores this weekend and shopped and bought really cute clothes, but…I came back and still felt lost.

My doctor bumped me up to 100mg of Zoloft..and for awhile it really seemed like it was helping, other than the REALLY crazy dreams I’ve been having.

I’m also on 20mg of Elavil for my bladder condition which is an anti depressant but also helps me sleep and not wake up 50 times in the middle of the night to pee. I never thought my days would be one where I had to remember to take my anti depressants or nobody wanted to be around me. *Sigh* Can’t crazy just be loveable??

I was really down for the past 2 weeks because I hated the fact that I wasn’t there with my brother and Sam when little Audrey was born. I hated the fact that everyone else was there…except me.

My birthday has passed which marked a year that my mother and I have not spoken. We have truly broken the record this time. The day before my birthday my dad decides to inform me that he emailed my mother to let her know how good my brother and I were doing and she decides to respond with “As far as I’m concerned, I have no children” ouch..that sucks. Because even though it’s THAT easy for you to dismiss your children, we, or I at least, still need you. Shit..we share the same damn birthday…it’s kinda hard to be like….oh we just don’t have a mother. Yep..that’s it, I don’t have a mother, I was dropped off by that stork you see in the movies.

Ugh..I’m just bitching lately. I’m just in one of those, wanna curl up when it’s dark and rainy out side and lay in the bed and watch sad movies just for the hell of it. I’m going home for the day….