Nothing’s Changed

God, for someone allegedly so "smart" by the standards of others, I really am a stupid girl.

It’s six months since my last entry and almost a year and a half since Jibby stepped into my life and get this…he’s still in it.  Despite all the thoughts I’ve shared on how unrealistic it is to think anything can become of he and I, he’s still in my life.

What is wrong with me?

I date. I date a lot. We go back and forth; on speaking terms, not on speaking terms.  In between, I date. I hate dating. I’m not fond of it anymore and I’ve actually decided after my last dating fiasco, that I am giving up on it for a while. I don’t want anyone else, I want him. I don’t want him as he is, I want what I think he can be. I have got to let go. I have got to move on. I have got to get through this. I have got to muster the confidence to walk away and seriously not be tempted by his long loving looks, his caress, and his "I care so deeply for you." 

He can’t possibly care that deeply for me if night after night I’m left wondering "why am I so lonely?"

I cry, and he knows not that I cry. I do so almost every other night. I have put so much effort and time into trying to work on my trust issues, my overly sentimental ways, and just my overall approach to the idea of us. I have tried to slow down and give him time to keep up with me, but he’s not trying. He can’t possibly care.

Where will I be a year from now? Almight God, I hope it’s not in here, this diary, writing about how I’m still stuck between loving an illusion, and not accepting reality.

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Overdue Rose