Feaux Friday – A Rough Ride

Why for Pete’s Sake do I wish to believe today is a friday!? I’m totally dooping myself and I’m only going to feel totally gipped in the end.

I can’t believe I’m already registering for next semesters classes. Soon enough I’ll be finished with my MBA and I think that’s going to be a moment of pure satisfaction for me. It will finally put me back on the track I was on years ago when I set out to do a series of things that would lead me to my own personal success. I know that completing this degree, setting out to finish something I’d always intended, will be a moment of complete intrinsic satisfaction coupled with relief.  I’ll have done something I’d always said I would and that seems to happen less frequently in life the older one gets.

So I’m coping as well as I can be under the circumstances. I have moments when I just wish to let down my guards and set aside my pride to call Jibby, but I battle through that desire by recalling all the negative aspects of what we shared. For instance, this morning I could not seem to erase from my memory the time he stated "You wouldn’t know because you’ve never been in love." Ouch. Now that was a deduction he came to all on his own because he equated love with the duration of time you spend in a relationship. Because I’ve only ever had serious relationships that have lasted no longer than 10 months and his single serious relationship lasted 9 years, he felt he was better versed in the notion of "love." I disagreed then, but I come to the realization that he could be right. I mean, one can’t possibly have experienced the full extent of love if they’ve been tugging through it all on their own. I’ve loved singularly; meaning, I’ve loved all by myself. I have loved this one, and that one, but to have experienced the full effects of it, they have to have loved you back….right?

But then Charlie Kaufmann wrote (See Adaptation the script), "It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even [Jibby] didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. You are what you love, not what loves you." With that said, does love have to be shared in order to have really loved?

His words, when spoken then shook me to the core. It was a hard reality to accept that I’m soon turning 27 and I have to believe I’ve possibly never experienced love at it’s best.

There was Smiles, but truth be told, could he have loved me at all when he maintains such a strong unwillingness to ever speak again. There was The Queen, but her love was complete bullshit to have done the things she did. And while Jibby may have said the words "I love you" in the beginning of what we shared, it’s clear his emotions were prematture to have gone from "I love you," to "I care deeply for you." So, it remains to be in question: Have I really loved?

Well, the point is, I may be having a hard time with this complete distance and separation from Jibby, but it’s not as tough as it has been in the past. With each break-up, I think we grow immune. It is in fact rough. More rough than other times in the sense that I miss him more than I miss what we shared. In the past, I missed the intamacy I shared with those I was separated from more than I did their characteristics and personality. I miss talking to Jibby about my day, learning something new from him, or telling him some random useless fact. I maintain that there was something there between us. If not on his end, there was something so strong on mine. I’ve never liked the person I loved so much. That doesn’t make too much sense now does it? Well, it sorta does to me. I liked who he was and what he stood for. Things did not turn out the way I’d hoped and the only way past it, is through it.

So I’m getting by. It will pass.

There’s not much else to say. I work, I go home, I study, I do homework. Sometimes I’ll watch a movie. I chat with my friends, of which I have many. I even venture on dates, but those haven’t brought me any satisfaction and I’m trying to steer clear of leaning on them to feel better.

I have events coming up that will distract me, such as: midterms, a bachelorette party, a karaoke hosting event, 4th of July, a wedding, a boat ride and whatever else I fill my summer days with. It’s summertime! I have no time to be bummed out…

…moving along….

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Summertime Rose.