The Orchestra Ensues

I’m not pregnant.

I figured that’s a great opener.

No, I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat, but I’m totally working on that with all of the effort I can muster. I’ve been a gym member for 2 weeks now (14 days total), and I’m proud to announce I’ve gone to the gym probably 10+ times. I’ve been trying to do once a day, but soon enough I’m aiming for 2x a day – morning and night.

Needless to say that the object of my motivation was Jibby. He said some sincerely hurtful, but honest, things to me. For those of you who need a recap, Jibby is the most handsome of all the people I’ve dated. He truly was a very good looking young man. Physically, I could find nothing wrong with him. However, that wasn’t to say he was perfect. He lived at home with his traditional Indian parents, he had never completed his Associate degree because he got into the habit of drinking heavily and wasting his parents money when he was a student at Buffalo State. His line of work was to make midnight deliveries for a diet food company and in the time we were together, I have little to nothing to show for it aside from a pair of old navy slippers. Meanwhile, he has countless momentos, a jawbone wireless headset, souvenirs from trips I made, the experience of being treated to see Wicked on Broadway and I’m sure countless other little things.

Our sexual relations over the course of the last 2 months have been extremely limited. The only act of sex we’ve performed was that of oral and he was the recipient – his never feeling the need to return the favor. Since I initiated the acts, I dismissed the idea of his not returning the favor. However, after the second time, it got to me. So, I ventured to ask a very bold question that went something like this:

"Why is it that you seem to not desire me in any capacity. You can kiss me, hold me, touch me, caress me and say you don’t want to let go, but your hands never roam to the nether regions and you have no yearning to taste me in that way."

His response began something like this:

"[General statement: Men don’t like to be with other men. Men like to be with someone who is the complete opposite, complete them. They want someone who can maintain themselves (blah blah blah) not saying you can’t maintain yourself, but STOP BITING THE SKIN AROUND YOUR NAILS.}"

He’s always had an issue with my habit of peeling the skin around my nails and sometimes drawing blood. Okay, I admit, not so attractive. Nevertheless, it’s a habit enduced by stress…stress that he was causing.

He went on to say: "You can stand to lose a few pounds. You know this already and that’s why you’re working on it." Um….OUCH. ::begins picking at her nail skin::

Then he ended it with: "And I’m sure you want to know why I don’t go down on you. Well, first it was the HPV scare, then it was sores…cold sores..and then unprotected sex with SingerLover."

At this point in the IM conversation, I was in tears. Because you all don’t know me, and while he made me doubt myself for a moment, I am in fact a lady. I dress well enough. I can’t afford BCBG, or Donna Karen, but I have a sorta style. I smell great and am complimented by strangers in the street sometimes (even Aquafresh can vouch for this one). His comments painted a picture of some scruffy vagrant! It was painful. I asked him to continue with telling me anything and everything he’d ever felt he’d wanted to. I asked him, "what about my character? What’s wrong with my character?" His response was, "there is nothing wrong with your character. Character wise you are great." It then hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d dated the best of the vain/cocky individuals.

No, I’m not eye candy. No, I’m not a trophy girlfriend that hangs on your side smiling and looking pretty. I’m not picture perfect, but that’s mainly because God didn’t build me that way. He built me to think for myself, to live independently (and not off my parents might I add), to speak clearly and express myself eloquently. He built me to be instinctively sporty and to throw back a few with the guys or dance sexily with the ladies. He built me to love exploration and not worry so much about vanity to the point where it inhibits my ability to see the world and focus only on what is deemed beautiful; to find something special in all things or people that aren’t quintessentially "beautiful." God didn’t build me to be beautiful on the outside, but he fashioned me with so much compassion, generosity and love to make me shine from the inside out. He built inside of me a voice that when shared with others has seemed to envoke joy. He built me to be honest, but to see beyond the glitter and glitz. And finally, he built me to be strong, and to let that strength carry me through when I only FEEL broken, but am quite capable of walking with my head held high.

So, I have been trying to make the changes necessary for me to look in the mirror every day and be most comfortable with what I see. SingerLover has moved on and I continue to be happy for him. Though his new found affection for this woman is questionable considering that up until a week ago he was still e-mailing me lyrics, sending my love messages, and claiming that he will always love me…so on and so forth. Then earlier this week I get a message: I think I met the one. Needless to say I responded with a lovely email about how happy I was for him and then proceeded to block him from AIM and Email.

I have been dating. Spike (as he shall be called) is a sweetheart. Complete gentleman. He sent me a dozen roses to my job just to thank me for spending time with him! How amazing is that? I’ve never received flowers at the work place. I was the woman of the hour since they were huge and gorgeous! However, he and I have already had a discussion as to where things are headed. Though physically I am attracted to him, there doesn’t seem to be any chemistry.  It has always gone beyond physical appearances for me into emotional and mental levels of interest. In that regard, he has not captured me. I was honest with him and he was gracious in accepting how I feel. We remain friends and he really will turn out to be a great guy. Besides, one never knows.

That is my update. Lame, I know, but I’m at work and probably should be working. I start classes at the end of this week. So I will soon be juggling, the gym, school and work! I’ll manage….I hope.

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Insulted Rose

Oh, regarding the entry title, I’m heading to Carnegie Hall for a 2nd consecutive tuesday. It’s different and relaxing and I really enjoy it. Not to mention tickets are only $5!!!