We Sing The Blues

A sorta sadness overcomes me. So here I am. Hi. It’s been a while huh? I never know how to begin after I’ve been gone for so long.

A LOT has transpired in these last 4 months or more. I dated a man 11 years my senior with 2 children (9 year old boy, 7 year old girl). I fell in love with the kind of emotions he had for me, but knew deep down inside that the total package was not one I’d be willing to carry for a lifetime. He shared my sentiments. While he claims to have never been in love until I came along, he too knew that I didn’t feel quite the same for him. He filled a void that was left by Jibby. He was able to encompass all the things that Jibby was not. His caring ways and his attentiveness surpassed that of anyone I’d ever dated. I was kind of his everything in a way. Besides his children I’d say that for the month and a half we dated, I was the 3rd most important person to him. His parents had both died and he was never proud of his mothers ways and grew up actually learning to detest her for all the horrid things she put his father through. His father was a fill in as well, according to his account. His mom had been the culprit of several affairs and the rumor in his immediate family was that he didn’t belong to the man he’d grown up calling "dad." The rumor, though never proven true, was pretty much believed considering that he was 1 of 5 siblings who did not come out mildly retarded or with some sort of mental disability. The other 4 children were clinically slow, or mildly retarded. His 2 children were briliant! That was enough proof for him that his father was unknown to him, but he did not want to take any other action towards finding out for sure.

He was a bright man. For nearly 4 months prior to our dating we spoke consistently over the phone. My hear strings were still being tugged upon by Jibby. However, I was not secretive with either of them about the other. Jibby continued to have relations with me that were very sexually limited. In fact, I’d say there was virtually no sex, except for one time towards the end of us when we toyed with the idea, and fooled around some. SingerLover, which is what we’ll call the dad of 2, knew that I wasn’t prepared to get into any sort of relationship with him for more reasons than one. We’d gone on a date and in that one evening I’d sized up that he was not my type. Physically I had no attraction to him; Even less of an attraction when I was privy to a photo of his…um…for lack of a better term….special appendage?! He was a small man both in that regard and another, which I’ll highlight later. However, he stimulated me mentally and emotionally unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. Our conversations went on for hours and hours without realization of time or matter.

Jibby had taken me skiing for the first time, and it was shortly after that trip I realized that nothing was ever going to come out of my union with Jibby. The night before going skiing I’d stayed at SingerLovers place to babysit while he went out with some co-workers to see a friend play in his band at a bar. I loved his children and had an instant attraction to them. They in turn really took a strong liking to me. You see, he wasn’t a weekend papa, he was the full time deal. It wasn’t until that night that I felt I needed to give him a sincere shot. I’d been waiting for his arrival, missing him…willing him home with my thoughts and when he got in, I hugged him tightly and decided then and there it was time to give him a chance. So I cut Jibby off for that reason and my sanity as well.

Within the month that we dated he left me surprised. He was a great lover, much to my shock. His appendage was small – smaller than any I’d ever experimented with, but his moves and the emotion behind what we were doing was immense. I was made love to – for the first time ever in my 26 years of life. The only thing that could have made it better was if I’d been feeling the same emotions in return. I waited for such feelings to surface…they never did. The end of us was tumultuous to say the least and had a dramatic ending. His argument was that I tried to change him too much, that he always knew he’d never be anything more than a passing romance. I admit there were things I tried to change about him. His style of dress never impressed me. He didn’t take care of himself as much as he should. So yes, I bought him clothes, cologne, gifts and tried to be there for him at the same time with whatever he needed. I was completely loyal. Within this time, Jibby had tried to reach out to me twice and was (for the most part) ignored. We had a chance encounter, Jibby and I, at the cemetery while I was visiting my stepfather and he was with his family viewing his grandfathers gravesite, but again, there was nothing between us. My heart was trying to attach itself to SingerLover. For what? For nothing. SingerLover, after kicking me out of his new apartment that I’d helped him move into revealed to me he had slept with another woman the eve of Valentines whilst the two of us were planning a romantic weekend since neither of us had ever shared a Valentine with anyone. It was a beautiful weekend, but he took that away from us. The entire time I’d had no idea and honestly believed he would be the last person to do anything of the sort.

It was the end of SingerLover and I. Though he would continue to make attempts and try to reason with me (and himself) that he did such a thing because he knew I would never be with him long term. He might have been right, but again…no matter what, my loyalty had been to him from the moment we’d decided to date with exclusivity (which I’d made clear).

Since Jibby rescued me that night, when I was tossed out in the middle of the morning, we began corresponding with one another all over again. Here is where I stand.

The saddness that befalls my heart is due to the realization that I am not very good at picking relationships. Love just does not come easily to me. Jibby, just today, started up a conversation that stated (in lamens terms): [I am not ready for a relationship. I enjoy you. I really like spending my time with you. I really like talking to you alllll the time, but I’m just not serious enough about you to committ.] While he has spent much of his free time with me in the last month, and gives me long loving looks, treats me kindly, caresses my cheek from time to time, he just can’t committ. He even had me spend an entire week at his parents place while they were off in India, he does not seem to feel enough for me to want to keep me around. I told him that much of what he says to me hits home; They are things I’ve said to SingerLover. I’ve told him that it’s a sure sign that I am to him what SingerLover was to me. My exact words were: I knew that I did not see him in my future, and that’s why I said the things I said. He responds with: "I’d be lieing if I said that. I’d be lieing if I told you that I don’t see you in my future. I’m not sure what I see. I don’t look hard enough." The good news for me is that I can’t possibly feel used this time around. I took sex out of the equation and for that I am eternally grateful to my inner self. 

I just can’t wrap my mind around it, when I know to the outsiders who look in, it’s so simple. It’s clear as day. Move on! That’s the end result. There’s no reason (if it has nothing to do with physical appearances), why this man who enjoys so much of what I represent, can’t seem to make the decision to date me. A guy who used to say "I love you." He takes it back towards the end of our relationship and now can’t even decide to, at the very least, date me. My mind doesn’t comprehend that, but I have suspicions it’s my heart that’s clouding the way to understanding.

I’m just so tired. I’m so lonely, so often. I have so much life to give. I laugh all the time. I love exploration. I’m generous beyond my own means. I live just to share my life with family, friends, and a loved one; a close partner, a lover. I can’t spend another day in solitude. I’ve lived independently for nearly 3+ years. I make an excellent aunt, and furthermore mother when the time is right. I’m super maternal and have so many plans on how to raise my children. I have so many ideas on how to create a loving environment for a future family. When do I get to start? The answer is unknown.

So, in the meantime, I begin an MBA in Media Management program. I start April 30th, taking 4 classes. Not quite full-time studies, but close enough. I have nothing else to occupy my time, so why not marry a degree program that in the end will be with me forever.

I had off for the 10 days prior to this one. It was the last of my free time for a while since I’ll be starting classes soon. I went to Niagara Falls by myself. I do not recommend anyone do such a thing. It left me depressed in the end. However, it was something I’ve been yearning to do for too long now and I wasn’t going to allow being single to prevent me from following through. I also visited Washington, D.C. A city I fell in love with. I took my mom, as she was itching to scratch it off her bucket list. I didn’t have nearly enough time to explore as much as I wanted to. I went with the hopes of catching the Cherry Blossoms, but that too did not happen. I’ve already set my mind to visiting every year around this time in hopes to finally catch the Blooms. Both trips were enjoyable, as I love to travel.

So, here I am…at work. There’s and event tonight and I’m the Grand Master of tonights event, so I better get going. There’s my update. To whomever reads….

Much Love Always,
The Colorless Rose.

p.s. there’s a chance I might be pregnant. My period is 9 days late and SingerLover and I had entirely too much unprotected sex. Cross your fingers for me. This would be bad on so many levels.