Who Smeared My Pap?

I can’t describe the sensations I’m experiencing on different days at different times.  They’re like little fireflies surrounding me, going off at different times, diverting my attention one way, then the next.  It’s exciting, it’s captivating, but it’s also akward and unusual. It’s my life as of late.

Windblown has suddenly and pretty instantaneously gone from just a guy to someone I wake up to and go to sleep to almost every day.  He’s morphed into someone who’s capturing my attention by how enchanting I seem to be to him.  I think I’ve captivated him.  While I could be wrong, I’d like to make a note that I’ve never misjudged the intentions of the people I dated (with the exception of the Queen who was a master at manipulation and farse emotions). 

Aside from the endless conversations (that I sometimes have to cut short because I realize too much time has been spent on one another), and the texts, we now have our Treadmill Tuesday Midnight workout sessions.  The first of which took place this morning at 12am.  I walked into my apartment at 4:30am after having worked out and made out with (what even Madamme Butterfly deemed) a good looking guy.

A guy. Eeeesh. Don’t ask.

I know that things are getting better, because Monday morning from 3am-7am when I was locked out of my apartment and he graciously offered to wait it out with me, I was unable to so much as graze his hand.  I felt somehow like I woud be cheating on someone.  I could not figure out if it was myself, him, or her.  A large part of that could have to do with the fact that earlier that evening she and I had a conversation over the internet where it was evident she missed me and had a sense of regret. I will say no more on that matter, because…well…it doesn’t matter.  However, I tried to keep it as on the surface as possible, despite her efforts to expose something between us.  We made plans on how she can have her concert tickets and how I can get the money she owes me.  I chalked it up to my having to speak to her, to work out the negotiations, but we all know the truth. I know my truth. My truth is I can’t stand how much I still love this girl…

even with knowing she was the one who smeared my pap.

I got a letter from the OBGYN that seemed pretty important. When I opened it, it urged me to call immediately. I did. The news was that of which I’ve been avoiding since I went for my Papsmear (sp?). 

Abnormal cell activity.  I know it’s not genital warts. I followed up with the OBGYN I’d gone to years before, just to be sure.  I’m not angry, but I need to know what the likelihood of it not having been The Queen was. They pulled my records and said matter of factly, "No maam, your pap came back negative."  I’ve been with one sole person since then. A women. To think, I’m potentially affected by a woman who couldn’t even penetrate me and infect me the way a man could. Life and science is funny.

So August 6th (Happy birthday to me) I have a microscopic camera inserted to really dissect the activities (festivities – who knows) going on down there. 

I feel dumb. I feel ashamed, reckless, stupid, hurt…but not angry.  I’m not even sharing the news with her.  One thing I always remembered her telling me was how hurt and angry she had been with Upchuck and how she called him to let him know it, but later told me that she’d always felt connected to him by the fact that she’d contracted HPV (Cancer causing strands) from him.  I don’t want her to feel connected to me.  It’s time to disconnect.

Despite knowing this, Windblown (whose name I might change to Jibby soon enough), still chose to kiss me. Still chose to tell me how attracted he is to me, still chooses to express his affinity towards me.  He knows it all too.  I hold no bars. I need whomever I’m with sexually in any way to know. I won’t subject anyone to such a thing if it turns out that I do have HPV. While HPV (cancer causing) does not affect men directly, it does subjectively.  They can sleep with another woman and infect her. I can’t carry the weight of such a burdone.  So, I told him today: "I’ve decided to re-virginize myself. I’m saving the rest of me for marriage." We’ll see.

I have sooo much more to say: My plans for my bday which happens to be Atlantic City in a hotel overnight with my favorite girls, this thing withJibby that has me smiling ear to ear most of the day, and just so much more.  However, my mind is elsewhere – places it should not be.  I really have not been focusing as usual since I heard about my PAP, but like I said to Dannie-girl "You’re only as weak as you will allow yourself to be, and I’m not going to allow it. I know nothing for certain yet, and until I do, I will remain positive."

But please, of all that I endured, I can’t imagine why this would have to be a part of the Tsunami.  I can’t imagine why I’d have to live with a mistake she made by loving him, and I made by loving her.  Why does love = mistakes.

Good thing I don’t plan to love anyone again for a looonnnggg time. Besides, I can’t. Too much of my love is still focused on her. 

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Viral Rose.    🙁