My Secret, or Yours?

Maybe if I picked you out of my dreams with two clenched fingers and set you atop my kitchen counter, I could then give you a real hug instead of the ones I give you in my dreams?

Today has been some whirlwind of a day.  I finally have a moment to settle down and write an entry that has been pending in my mind since my train ride into work.
I wanted to highlight how the simplest of things delight me.  Today, my delight stemmed from breakfast with my mom before coming in to work.  Since she was in North Carolina for 2 weeks straight I missed her uncontrollably and had to see her as soon as we could both make the time. Monday I visited my stepdad, which worked out well considering early this morning, my mom informed me he is back in the hospital.  It was perplexing since when I’d left him Monday evening, all seemed to be going so well with him. It’s a bit alarming, but we’ll see how that pans out. 
Tuesday evening I met SillyGoose accompanied by RiRi for coffee. Get this…Silly got a tattooo!!!!!!! I could not believe my eyes. A beautifully scripted "R" by her crotch with two pink lotus flowers for her two offsprings. It was daring, balsy, and scandalous of her considering my brother knows nothing of it, nor have they corresponded since she left MA last Sunday! Her best friend whisked her away for the weekend and gave her the means to go about inking herself. I think it’s the coolest thing. I’d never expected Silly with a tat. Now she’s so excited for me to undergo my ink transition. I too can’t wait. August 5th is around the corner!
This weekend proved to be yet another summer filled one. My thursday night girls get together went well. We did not venture out, as both ladies present were feeling too cynical and solemn over their current single/semi-single status.  Both were surprised by my take on the situation and my recent updates with Windblown.  I for one have chosen not to take the negative and cynical route they have and I could not be more pleased with my decision. A positive attitude brings about positive change. I’ve learned that you don’t have to see it to believe it, but rather you have to believe it to see it.
Friday I had off and beached it with my lovelies! We did the beach the right way with coolers, chairs, umbrellas, food and snacks.  It was a perfect tanning time.  The waves were enormous and made it impossible to really enjoy the water.  I respect the see, and I’ll tell you, the sea was angry last Friday.  I stayed clear of its wrath.
Friday night I went to see The Dark Knight at Atlas and ran into my cousin and his soon-to-be wife. The movie was superb.  While I liked Batman The Movie (with Christian Bail) better, Heath Ledgers unequivocal performance in this one gave it that edge.  The movie itself was okay, but his performance brought it to other heights. It was a pity to watch, and know that he was gone before he could enjoy being in his prime.
Saturday (insert name at later date) called because she’d undergone a "break-up" and her father advised her to come to my place and drink. So we did. I love that parents entrust their minors to me for a night of alcoholic fun. The plan was to make up a great drink using different ingredients (success – Choco Soco), get tipsy (success – pole danced in my apt. w/ video to prove it), and walk to the Atlas Mall drunk and go see Mamma Mia(success – talked to everyone on our way).  We had a blast. She was so much fun to watch and interact with inhebriated.  She splayed herself on my floor, she rested on my bed, she danced on my pole, she did the whine all around my apt. to soca, reggae, reggaeton, salsa, merengue and more. It was a blast. I didn’t realise how good a night like that would do even me.  By the time we were out of Mamma Mia we were sobering up.
Then Sunday came and off I went to the family reunion.  I was the only one representing my immediate family, but it was still a great time.  We did my favorite thing – we played volleyball.  My family was impressed by my hustle (frankly so was I), but I payed for it later that evening and still flinch in pain every now and then.  It was BBQ, Pool, volleyball, softball, frisbee, chatting with family and more. It was fantastic. I went home ready to collapse. 
It hadn’t dawned on me that I had not heard from Windblown since Saturday. Considering he was in Vegas, I didn’t think anything of it, but when he finally called Sunday and gave a long explanation about losing his phone, being late to work because it took him and hour plus to retrieve my number somehow, it hit me.  ‘Oh yeah, we haven’t spoken since Friday night.’  I love the pace that things are going. I love the little comments that he ventures to throw in every once in a while, that sometimes make my stomach fall.  While I love it, I’m hesitant. I’m not sure I want to feel that way again. I’m not sure I remember how.  The last time I did the late night conversations till 2am every night thing was with Smiles and that is a feeling that scares me.  I loved Smiles. I still love Smiles.  10 months of my Tsunami made me forget how great those intimate phone nights can be when you’re getting to know someone from the inside out for the first time.  I’m just not sure if I want all of my insides exposed and I’m not a ‘half ass it’ kind of girl. It’s all or nothing. 
Tell you what though. I love that he loves my voice! Sunday night, from the exhaustion and an oncoming potential cold, my voice had a nice rasp to it.  He didn’t fail to tell me how much he liked it.  He doesn’t fail to tell me how loveable I am.  Normally, I’d react with a response that would force him to elicit some sort of emotion. I guess I haven’t played this game in so long, I just chuckle and brush the comments off.  Will I ever get to a point where I express how good his comments make me feel?  Maybe some part of me hears what he is saying, but is wishing it were someone else on that other end saying it.
I like him more today than I did yesterday.  I tell him that.  This feeling can be intoxicating, but i’m just not sure I like the taste of wine anymore.  I drank too much of the bitter kind.
Well, there’s always his million dollar embrace to fall back on…
Much Love Always,
The Suspicious Rose.
 

Ich verfehle Sie auch. Zeitraum.