“L” is for Love, Life, and Laughter

Yesterday, I turned the last page of the book: It’s Called A Breakup, Because It’s Broken.

But I also turned a new page in my life. I truly feel like I have my life back. I’m also so very impressed with my ability to have picked up the reigns so quickly. I was totally completely frightened initially. I will not lie.  My first failed relationship had left me so brutally scarred that I could not imagine what this new failed situation was going to present.  Especially, since I’d been the one wronged for the most part. I’d been cheated on. I’d been rejected. I’d been told that I was the "worst thing to ever happen" to someone.  So for just a moment, I thought it was going to be a slowly descending hell from that point moving forward.  I mean I pictured it right in front of my eyes – the tears, the sleepless nights, the breathless moments.  Then suddenly after the first few days and merely a few tears I snapped into reality.  Then a few more days went by. I was smiling. I had to retrace my steps, look at the reflection I’d just passed by, to ensure that it was my face I saw emitting that smile. Yep. it sure enough was. Then a few more days and I was laughing.  I was not laughing that fake "I have to pretend to be okay, because this is expected of me" laugh, but a true hearty laugh that was coming from my gut. Then a few more days and I took notice that I was smiling, breathing, laughing and it was all effortless.  I was me again. I was me before she’d come into my life. I was me before all the lies and before all the unrequited love.  And so, I kept turning the pages of that book and recognizing that I had so much to be prideful of.  The most ideal outcomes mentioned in the book were exactly the steps I was taking on my own towards my recovery.  I felt one step ahead of the authors.  I thought "hell, I can write my own book."  So here I am – healthy, happy, single, and smiling.  The question comes up from my loved ones: "do you still love her?" and my response will never change.  I am fully aware my heart still beats in large part for the moments we shared, just as they do for the moments Smiles and I shared.  I’ve never fallen into the hypocrisy of hating someone the minute you dump them.  I’ve always found that to be absurd and hypocritical.  I loved her then, as I love her now and I think of her well-being, am proud of any accomplishments, and am sincerely at the point of wishing her the best. It’s sometimes inexplicable, but I don’t try to explain it to myself.  I just accept the idea that while I have affections for her, my life is moving forward in a direction towards happiness that I find even though I’m without her! That’s my own personal success!

So, I passed the book onto another friend. It’s her turn to make some tough, but wise decisions. I rang her doorbell, handed her the copy my sister-in-law had given me years ago (not once suspecting that it would be put to such great use years later) and said "I’m not telling you this is what you have to do. I’m leaving this in your hands to really pay attention and finally decide on what is best for you right now." She text me the next morning "I love this book."

Turns out, I have to buy a copy for Shisty.  Shisty and WhiteBoyCan Dance are no longer together.  According to her, their break-up came out of left feild.  From the outside looking in, I know that she was seeing things from an eclipsed perspective.  A perspective eclipsed by her desperate need to finally get it right this time.  She felt she’d wasted 9 years with my lowlife cousin and was in the clear of all the bullshit.  As much as I hate admitting this, I saw it coming.  The last time I’d visited her, his eyes were funny. They didn’t look at her with love.  They hardly looked at her.  I told only one person of that account, SillyGoose.  I hate that I was right. Shisty is a large part of my heart and when the news hit me, I cried for her. I didn’t call her right away because I needed to compose myself.  She’s stronger than I can imagine under the circumstances, already looking for an apartment to move out of the home they bought together.  I’m not certain of the details, whether her name is on the mortgage or how much, if anything, she contributed to the buying of the hosue.  I just know that she painted it, she cleaned it, she made it their home, and after merely 6 or 7 months, it’s time for her to leave it because he has issues too big for her to fix. I knew it. I knew he was no good. Good thing I never liked him.

So, I’m going to put together a series of events to keep her occupied as much as I’m capable.  I bought us Great Adventure tickets because I know how liberating it was for me to scream at the top of my lungs! I am scheduling an all girls night next week with all my favorite ladies since SillyGoose will be down from Massachusettes.  Lastly, we’re having a sorta slumber party evening and I’m looking to prepare her a BreakOver basket.  It’s a basket full of goodies and things to get her back to being the super hot chica that all the men dote over! Nail polishes, the book, dvd’s, chocolate (okay, so that might help in other ways, but certainly won’t keep her looking hot lol), and anything a single girl would need! I bought her a hot new blouse to wear on a night on the town. I just know that I finally get a chance to prove my friendship, loyalty, and understanding.  I can’t bring myself to accept the kind of pain she must be in. I just know that I have to remind her over and over again that I have tasted such pain, and because of it, I stand to be more understanding and available at any given moment.  So far, she hasn’t needed me. I’ll see her tomorrow though, and hope that I don’t break down for her.

I finally finalized my first tattoo.  Maybe I’ll enlist that she come with me to get it. She recently wanted a tattoo, but was hesitant because WhiteBoy was not happy about them.  No one agrees with my tattoo, but I know deep down I want it.  I’m not defending the meaning behind it, but I just know wholeheartedly I’m doing it for the right reasons.

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Loving, Laughing, Living Rose