Journey To My Soul

Is it your aim to make me hurt?
Do you want to know that I am in pain?

Because at this point, you have to remind yourself that there are only two possible reasons you’d be in here reading this. It is either that (a) you want to know if your efforts to cause me hurt and pain are effective, or (b) some part of you still cares what I have to say on the matter. Neither of those are very healthy (but who am I to talk about what is healthy and what is not).

So, want to know what I have to say? You all want to know what I have to say? Read on then. You’re about to take a journey into my soul.

I’m definitely hurting. There is no doubt that you’ve brought pain upon me.  I’m not ashamed to admit that.  I never have been and you’re also very well aware of that.  Most of what I do is never followed by 100% shame or regret.  There are traces of shame, but never enough to break me down.  Am I ashamed that I can’t cease looking at your profile so that I can one day run into some information that will bring me to tears? Somewhat.  Am I regretful that I bring myself to read your away messages stating how you’ve "never been happier!"? To some degree.  But more than anything, I am impressed with myself.  I am impressed that I can still manage to take some positive moments away from what we shared; I can still look upon my experience and accept that it was a lesson well learned, but in addition to that, a good time in my life, otherwise, why would I have done it for so long?  Why would you have done it for so long?  I mean, this is one for the books.  How many people can say they went through what I did.  How many people can pull from the experience to eventually help a friend in similar circumstances.  Okay, so probably a good number of people, but I get to do that now.  I get to use this "adventure" (if you will) and shed some light on someone in my future.

So you broke me down. So you lied continuously.  So you feigned emotions because you needed a crutch to pull you through the waiting time with him.  So I was your momentary satisfaction.  Okay. This is all fine and dandy.  It happened, it’s over, but now you understand why I’m so fucking proud because despite all of that, I don’t hate you.  I am incapable of hating you.  I can’t say I don’t care.  I am angry, I am hurt, I am vengeful, I am every emotion you can name in the book.  I am even guilty in some instances when I realize that I’d known the outcome from day one and still allowed my precious soul to go through such obstacles, but I am not hateful.  I’m sorry, but mostly to myself and the people who had so much more faith in me to make positive decisions.  But you won’t make me be hateful. You don’t have that sort of power over me.  I hold "love" in too high of an esteem to decide suddenly that I never meant it when I said: "I love you," and that on the contrary you were actually the "worst thing to happen to me." Negative. Not happening.

Besides, I let everyone else hate you; that sorta helps. I let everyone else feel as though you are the scum of the earth; that definitely helps.  I no longer try to correct them, but I don’t agree nor do I feel the same as they do.  You were lost, confused, and selfish.  You were abandoned and dragged me into your nasty web, but that doesn’t mean you had intended for that all along. I knew what I walked into when I walked into it head first.  I think you had hope, just like I did.  The difference is, I didn’t pretend to care.  I really did care. 

I was too good for you. That’s the thought that allows me to block the wave of tears that try to flood me.  You were not meant for me and every day I pushed aside all the negative aspects of who you were to feel better about loving such a person as yourself.  The lies coupled by the conceit, the insecurities, the selfishness, the prejudice, the overbearing manipulitive tendencies were not at all the person I’d ever imagined myself spending forever with.  Not one bit.  I ignored all of that though.  Love does that.  I’m not sure how it bares that ability, but it allows you to forget what you want out of life. Sometimes it allows you to numb yourself to the abuse of others.  In this case, emotional abuse.

When a mother can bring herself to refer to her daughter as a "selfish bitch," you have to ask yourself "why?"  I see clearly now.  However, that doesn’t mean you will always be that way.  For your sake, I hope the power he has over you will be for all the right reasons.  I hope he can take the person you are now and morph her into someone who can contribute to society in a positive way – someone worthy of being adored (as you are by so many).  Right now, the adoration you’ve earned from others based on how "fun" and "charismatic" you are is not well earned.  You’ve just been lucky enough to have been given a personality some would die to have.  Something you don’t even have to work at.  I’ll never discredit you for that, but why stop there and make that all you’ve got.  You have the world in your hands.  You have the power to be who you are and add to that, being a good wholesome person.  It’s a shame that people like you put such a thing to waste.

And you’ll be different. I know you will.  Just because you smashed my essence ten feet under the ground (for just a moment), doesn’t make you a bad person.  It makes you a person who made a bad decision.  I remember times when a sorta white light shined from you.  Just because you did what you did unto me doesn’t mean you will continue to hurt people.  We just weren’t right.  We just didn’t bring out the best in one another.  From cleaning your pigs pen of a room, to ceasing your lies, or discontinuing your pre-judgements of others or being so uncompromising – someone (not me) will help you to be a better you. Someone (not you) will help me to be a better me. Lord knows I can use some self improvement.

So I’m proud (of myself that is) because I can understand this concept.  I can see you with him, and read about how happy you are and despite how miserable you made me, still say aloud, "She and I both were destined to move on. She beat me to the finish line. I never expected to cross that finish line with her. We were stupid. We were silly girls living in the moment."

So yes, I’m hurt.  Yes I’m in pain. Yes, I’ve finally had to stop and sincerely ask "God, walk me through this one."  But these moments are just that…moments.  I have so much I’m living for.  I have so many positive influences and people to surround me with their energy. I have so many things to do and places to see and I keep adding my my list of experiences.  You said it yourself…you were jealous of that fact.  And it is a fact.  The pain, it comes and goes…..but my faith, my strength, my friends, my energy..that’s staying.

I ask

you now, does it satisfy you to know all of that? If so, what a pity. I thought that maybe you’d want to start working on those positive changes now.  You’re happy.  That’s good.  At some point I will be too.  Thanks for the strength you’ve allowed me to exemplify.  Thanks for the memories.  Thanks for being my proof that it does get easier with age.  This time isn’t nearly as bad as the first (Smiles).

Much Love To All My Readers (And I mean all),
The Shameless Rose