What Never Was

I wrote an entire entry. Then my session timed out and my entry was lost. Classic. CLASSIC OD! ::sticks her tongue out at makers of Open Diary::

It talked about a lot of things that I’m not even going to try to touch upon again. It provided a most important update.  Now, it’s just in the vast sea of lost information floating through the internet mainstream.

So, instead I’m punching out this quick reminder for myself. 

I’ve never been the "worst thing that’s ever happened to [someone]," but I can’t change the fact that I am.  Those were the Queens parting words.  I accept them.  They were the very thing i needed to hear to finally get me to detangle our lives.  I’ve now unraveled my thoughts, my hopes, and my dreams from hers.  She is Loren, and I am Monica.  Those two names never to be joined again in any form. 

And it is not easy.  It is not easy to know that the same person who just a week ago fed me lies about how wonderful I was, how much she needed me, how she could not go on without me, curses the day she met me. But, so be it.  We are not the first to go through such an ordeal.  For centuries and era’s love has gone unexplained.  But there’s one thing I do know; there’s no way you can be the worst thing that happened to someone and still be convinced they love you. That just isn’t the case.  So the truth came forth, and truth sets one free.  I was loving someone by myself. The worst way in which to love a person.

I finally wear my scarlet letter across my chest when regarding this relationship.  I’m no longer the innocent one.  I’m not the victim anymore, but rather I’ve committed my share of the crime.  You play with fire, you get burned, and we both now bare our scars.  I wear mine proudly because I know my lessons from them have already been learned.  I’m already working on the changes I need to make to become a better me. 

All this time, I thought I was fighting him, and her…but I was fighting someone so much stronger….myself.  And I finally gave up the fight with myself to look at everything from skewed angles.  And opening my eyes, listening to what really was said, everything is clear.

And becoming a better version of myself….it all begins with loving the person I am today at this very moment, but realizing that changing who I am for the better can be everlasting.

I’ve never felt the power behind this song as much as I do now.  This is life, and life happens.

I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize – dont patronize me

Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

I’ll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont