Infinity Isn’t Forever

I guess you could say it finally hit me really hard today. I think it was the conversation she and I had last night. I realize where her interests lie. I realize that I have to completely come to terms with the fact that we won’t ever again get to share the quality time we always looked forward to.

Or perhaps it hit me while I was deleting every text we’d ever shared. Of course, I could not help but peek at some of the things we wrote to one another as my finger deleted a large portion of my life. All the "I love you’s" shared, all the promises to love each other forever; all the beautiful words about how we were one another’s inspiration, one another’s first thought upon waking up. What happened to her loving me "times infinity and beyond"? How come she didn’t keep her promise to love me "more with every day," or "forever & always." So, the tears finally came down today. It’s insane to me. Just last week she was asking me "do u miss me?" and "what do u feel towards me?" and this week it becomes evident to the both of us that he is now the avenue she wishes to pursue.

How did he do it? is what I ask myself over and over. After 3 years of admitting to not loving her, admitting to having treated her rotten, how did he get her to abandon a relationship or even friendship with someone who thought the world of her – someone she made believe that she could be happy with. Just 2 weeks ago I remember asking, "do you really think you could have been happy with me?" and imbedded in my memory is the moment her fingers etched the letters Y-E-S on my bare back. It’s a memory that sorta haunts me I suppose. So you could have been happy, and I was happy…then what exactly happened again?

So I’m here, in pain…and you get something you’ve waited patiently for, for 3 years. You get to start over with him. He gets to have your forgiveness and work on a future with you. I get to sit here, pathetically asking myself what I could have done to prevent our end, or at the very least my own pain. So now she goes on vacations with him. Now he kisses herr forehead and her lips and wonders about how lucky he is. Or does he? Will he? My guess is she’s confident he can and will because after 3 years of him causing her pain, and pulling me into the downward spiral, she is giving him that chance.

Who will listen to me sing? Who will let me wrap my arms around them at night and pull them closer when I feel they’re too far away? Who will travel for hours with me and make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts? Who will send random photos to my phone of themselves, to remind me of how beautiful they are? Whose eyelids will i brush my lips against as they are closed in slumber? Whose hands will please me unlike any other? Who will sit on my couch with me naked watching television most of the day? Who will watch me from the outside while I take my shower? Who will knock on my door at midnight to surprise me? Who will grab my hand in the middle of the street to dance salsa? Okay, I know who. Whomever comes after you.

I know I’m going to move forward. I know this is merely an hour of tears and regret. I know that around this hump in my life awaits a new experience. I know this. You know this. It doesn’t change the hurt I feel now and the fact that you are missed "times infinity and beyond."

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Hurting Rose