all about everything

I feel weird today, and slightly discouraged. I’ve been doing my new workout routine pretty routinely for awhile now, and I’m not seeing any progress in the right direction at all. I realize that when you’re building muscle, it weighs more than fat, yadda yadda etc – but it’s still discouraging to see my weight not fluctuate in a lower direction at all. I’m nearing the mark of the heaviest I’ve ever been, which still isn’t TOO bad given the scheme of things – but I feel disgusted with myself a lot more, and I’m a lot less tolerant of myself and my appearance these days. Perhaps I’m thinking about it more and more now because we’re scheduled for our save the date/ engagement photo shoot on Saturday, and I just want to look decent for it. I know the medicine i was on helped me gain a fair amount of weight, but I haven’t seen the results of switching meds to something that has a significantly lower chance of that happening yet. It’s been over a month. Almost two. And it seems like no matter what I do, I just keep going up – not down. I watch what I eat (usually) I count calories, use smaller portions, snack on healthy foods – it just doesn’t seem to matter. I excercize between 5-6 times a week, I try to do cardio as well as strength training and my abdominal exercises, and while my stomach seems a bit more defined around the fat, I haven’t lost any of it. It’s all still there. And its disheartening and discouraging. I’ve gained close to 40 pounds since early 2011. I get that people gain weight, not only on medication, but when they’re happy and fulfilled as well. They also gain weight while in a relationship. I have to say, the dump diet was a miracle. I’d rather be overweight and happy than skinny and miserable. I just wish I could find a healthy in between.

I got irritated today for a completely irrational reason. Devon and I have a schedule, you see. I drop her off at work every morning, we text for the 45 minutes she’s at lunch, and we come home and catch up there after we both finish whatever it is we have going on after work is over. For her, it’s usually either working late or going to the gym with Leighann or both. Well, lately, more and more, Leighann has been calling her during her lunch break, which not only cuts us off in the middle of our conversation, but is rarely over anything important. So I sit there staring at my phone wondering why I didn’t get an answer on whether or not I need to pick up anything for dinner, while Leighann is inevitably talking her ear off about stupid drama or crazy baby talk. whatever. I get that I live with her, and we see each other all the time. It wasn’t about being jealous of her time, so much as just missing her today. Sure enough, Leighann called right in the middle of our conversation, and Devon couldn’t answer me for 10-15 minutes. And when she came back she said, sure enough, it was just about some stupid drama that wasn’t important at all, was silly, and doesn’t have anything to do with her. Both of us consider the time we have to talk during the day as a gift. It happens most days, but not all, and we both look forward to it. I guess it’s the sense of entitlement that I have a problem with. Leighann just calls her anytime she wants, out of the blue, and doesn’t give a damn about anything else that’s going on – whether or not we’re busy, whether or not we have other plans, whether or not its a good time to talk, whether or not Devon is feeling alright. Yeah, I guess some of the blame rests on Devon, too – she chooses to answer the calls. I don’t know why it irritated me today instead of made me smirk and roll my eyes like it usually does. Maybe I’m just cranky. It sounds pretty ridiculous, going back and re-reading what I wrote. Ignore that last paragraph as the ramblings of a whiny, cranky girl.

I’ve still been listening to podcast versions of the Atheist Experience on UStream. It’s fascinating. I don’t know if I’m more agnostic or atheist anymore – it depends on the day. I know that I cannot any longer abide by belief in the Judeo-Christian god. I can’t believe the Bible is true and infallable and perfectly handed down via fax from heaven. I can’t accept that it is a moral religion. I just can’t. My rational mind won’t let me. I don’t know if there’s a god, or a presence, or a being out there or not – but if it is, in fact, the judeo christian one – I cannot see any reason why such a monstrous tyrant would be worthy of worship in the first place. They have some great debates on the show, they get into a lot of good topics. Some of the old time readers might remember a couple back and forth religious debate letters I was writing with an old friend back in California. Well I took an unintentional 2 year hiatus, and now have to realize I have to change my opinion. I’m no longer someone who believes in god, but disagrees with the Bible fundamentally (especially on its views on homosexuality). I’m someone who doesn’t agree with it at all, and can’t come from the same position I started with. So i have to back up a bit and re-evaluate my stance and start over. Sure, I’ll respond to her latest points, and I can still argue the bible pretty damn well, since i had to study it so much. But I’m coming from a different position now, than I was. I’ve been digging up some research, and finding some interesting and cool things out, and am now re-actively working on the project. I’ll be interested to see if I can pull it off, and what I come up with.

The weekend was too short, and not a lot went on except for ex-scary movie day on Sunday, with Devon’s ex Eljyn, which was fun. We had a good time. We had our date night on Friday, and were supposed to go to the new BJ’s at Countryside mal, but it was packed by the time we got there at 7 (she ran late due to LEIGHANN – big surprise there) so we ended up going to a chinese/hibatchi/sushi buffet thing instead. It was pretty good, and definitely less expensive than BJ’s would have been. i’m becoming very financially aware, with the wedding now 6 months away, and so many things left to do. It’s a bit of a stress factor right now – but I believe we can pull it off.

This has been all over the place. All apologies.