Questions of Morality

Warning: This entry may, and probably WILL be all over the place, as my mind is a little scrambled on the issue. Oh, and it may not be appropriate for valentine’s day, per se, but when have I ever stuck to convention? I realize that these, like many things, are hot button issues and are subject to deeply personal feelings, one way or another. It is not my intention to offend anyone on either side of the isle, just trying to sort out my feelings and get them out in the open.

Let me start by saying that, although I was raised in a very strict, very religious Baptist home, I left the dogma, structure and a lot of the teachings of that belief system long ago. While I am still struggling and discovering the foundations of my own faith, which I am prone to do every once in awhile, I hold no such religious convictions on the subject. But I’m realizing that some of the way I was raised has somehow seeped into some of my beliefs on social issues in strange and slightly disturbing ways – disturbing in the sense that I didn’t see it coming, and I didn’t know I was harboring some of these thoughts or hold-overs from what seems like another life. They came out rather suddenly in a discussion that I was having – just a discussion about a tv show I was watching with Devon recently, and I wanted to see if I could form coherent thoughts on the subject. It’s slightly hard to explain, but I will do my best.

We’ve been watching vintage Grey’s Anatomy on netflix lately, since we now have the ability to stream it directly on our tv. There was an episode, beginning to mid season two that we were watching the other night about a woman, pregnant with quintuplets. They had used fertility drugs in order to conceive, and already had triplet young boys at home. The issue was raised that, when she discovered she was pregnant with 5 babies, if she culled a couple of the embryos and not allow them to develop, the health and safety and ability of her to carry the remaining embryo/s to term would be increased. That with a multiple birth like that, health complications were far more likely. Her argument was, now that she was 32 weeks along, each of the fetus’ had a distinct personality and she couldn’t conceive of having gotten rid of one or more of them, months ago. She ended up having a c-section at 32 weeks, so all the babies were premature – one had a heart defect, one had to have surgery because her internal organs had developed in a sack outside of her body instead of internally, one had a brain issue that needed to be surgically repaired, and I think there was something other than just being incredibly premature wrong with the other two, as well. Devons’ reaction came out a bit surprising to me – she called the woman selfish to try and carry all five and stupid. That she should have increased the chances of one fetus growing to term and being healthy, rather than try and keep all five. She said it was irresponsible for her to go through that, etc. And honestly, her answer shocked me, but I didn’t really understand why.

Let me pause to get into the hot button issue of abortion in general, here. I am not against abortion, although I was originally indoctrinated to be. I believe that abortion should be a right, and that religious authority of any kind should not have a legal precedent to define laws based on their beliefs. I believe in the separation of church and state (although I don’t believe that it is as active as it SHOULD be) and that someone’s religious beliefs should not impede anyone else’s rights – this goes into the issue of gay marriage as well. For social issues, it should be for the equality and good of all people, and should not be dictated or mandated by the prevailing, most popular (or any other) religious belief. That being said, I think that abortion is over-used. I don’t think abortion should be an “oh-shit” last ditch effort at birth control. I don’t believe it should be the answer if you failed to protect yourself and got stuck with the consequences. While in high school Sunday school at church, we were fully indoctrinated and forced to watch videos of abortions, and they went into graphic detail on what the “fetus/baby” would experience, yada yada yada. I’m not sure I believe all of it. I believe that everyone is responsible for their own choices and actions, and your choices and actions have consequences. Not that I think anyone should be forced to carry a child that is unwanted to term because they made a mistake. See, as I said, a lot of my thoughts are jumbled on these types of things.

I guess what it comes down to, is I don’t know if I could do it myself. I know people that have had abortions, and I don’t judge them for it. It was a difficult choice that they made and they did the best they could in their own specific circumstances – who am I to judge that. But I also know other people who have had abortions who can’t forgive themselves for it afterwards, and have to struggle and deal with that guilt for the rest of their lives. I don’t’ know anyone who has picked and chosen which embryos to keep in a multiple birth. But I have such a guilty nature to begin with (again, throwback to the way I was raised, even though I am well removed now from that lifestyle and structure) that I don’t know if I could handle it. And I don’t know if I could make that choice, myself. I don’t know how I would feel if my partner had to make that choice. Granted, it’s not likely that Devon and I are going to have to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, despite how hard we may try. But we might have to face this issue if we have to use a clinic, etc, artificial insemination to have a child. And I don’t know what my choice or reaction would be in that circumstance. I’m torn. I would want a healthy child, more than anything else…but could I sacrifice other potential children to give it a higher likelihood of success? And who am I to make that call? Ugh….it’s a debate and a question that’s been rolling around in my head ever since seeing that episode, and I’m conflicted on not only HOW I feel, but WHY I feel that way. Is it simply a matter of being a throwback to my strictly religious upbringing, which means I just need to let go of it like I would anything else? Or is it something else. I don’t like being confused, really.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know. I would like, potentially, a discussion if possible on the subject. Maybe other thoughts may open some new perspectives in my own world. Maybe the issue isn’t as clear as simple black and white, or right or wrong, like most other things out there. There’s a grey in-between. I think maybe the in between is the safe place to be.

Damn you, Grey’s Anatomy