Projection of doubt and weekend review

I’m not sure if it’s pms creeping up on me already, or the lingering sick that’s got my mind a little spinny, but I’m a lot more sensative to some things right now than i would be at other times. Coming from a relationship with the ex where I was doubted and second guessed and spied on continually, to one of absolute trust is difficult to adjust to. I don’t like not being believed, strangely, more about stupid little things than any thing major. There were times this weekend where my feelings were minorly hurt by a projection of doubt. I’m sure that it’s a projection, that it’s not coming from her at all. Other factors, like the fact that I forgot to take my meds for anxiety and depression over the weekend so I missed two days worth probably didn’t help. I think being physically sick also offers a measure of vulnerability that makes me want nothing more than to be loved and taken care of – and I was, without question – but my sensabilities are out of whack, and I dislike the feeling that carries with it. I got up in the middle of the night after waking up coughing to take my inhaler (will explain later) and use the restroom. Told her about it this morning when she asked me how I slept, but since my inhaler was still out in the living room – I had to get up anyway and didn’t bring it back with me, because what was the point – she second guessed whether or not I had really used it. Why wouldn’t I? She says its because it’s unlike what she would do – if she was warm and toasty in bed on a chilly night, she would not be likely to get up and go to a different room for medicine. There was also a jogging pants episode on Saturday, after I made a trip to the clinic because my cough was not getting any better, and I over-exerted myself doing the laundry and some mild house cleaning. Jogging pants is an inside thing between us – something little and insignificant and silly in retrospect, but feels like a big deal at the time. I went from the clinic to an urgent care center for a chest xray because it turns out I have acute bronchitis, and they wanted to make sure my lungs were okay – they are. But because she felt guilty that she wasn’t there for me (she was off with Leighann that day) it was easier for her to not-believe I went, rather than feel bad that she wasn’t there. I understand where these doubts come from, and the reason behind them. But for some reason, they hit me hard. I can’t really explain why, except to go back to an over-abundance of vulnerability from the sick and pms, combined with a lack of medication. It’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things, and it happens. I know that I’ve doubted her before. The difference is, I suppose, I see my doubts as a sign of my co-dependence that I’m actively working on recovering from, so I usually keep them to myself, and not project them on her, when it’s a problem with my mind, not her reality. But I’m grateful that she’s open enough with me and honest enough to tell me. The important thing to know, that she repeated multiple times, and this is really what I should walk away from in all of this is that I can tell her anything, she wants me to tell her anything, and no matter what it is – it doesn’t matter. She loves me, regardless. Writing it all out has chased away my own lingering demons, and if I focus on that simple truth, the rest, like she says – simply doesn’t matter.

The weekend was a time of mostly rest, which was exactly what I needed, and I was glad to have the opportunity. Friday night was date night, and Devon asked in advance if she could take me out to dinner, which I needed. Small tokens of thoughtfulness and appreciation like that go a long way with me, and they really helped me to feel loved and appreciated and cherished. Since she wouldn’t tell me where we were going, she gave me general directions until we got to downtown Dunedin – and ate at Casa Tina’s, which has wonderful Margharitas (we got a pitcher full) and great mexican food. After dinner, we went home, cuddled on the couch with some vintage Grey’s Anatomy and went to bed. On Saturday, Devon woke up early, then came back in a couple hours later to wake me up by getting into bed with me – our normal routine these days – and I got up and ran out to pick up some breakfast for us while she showered and got ready. We ate and spent some time together, and Leighann picked her up for their day together. We agreed it was best not to go to game night, since I was sick, and I probably shouldn’t be around Leighann and the baby, currently dubbed “the sprinkle”. I did the laundry and the dishes and started feeling pretty light-headed, so I went to the minute clinic. Which was really the hour and a half clinic, and not the minute clinic, but that really is not important. I got medicine, went to get a chest xray and came home. Devon came home a couple hours later (after 6, when she said she’d be home) and we stayed at home and rested/snuggled the rest of the day. Because she fell asleep on the couch, when we tried to go to bed at our normal time around 11, neither of us were tired anymore, so we got back up and watched a couple more episodes of Grey’s, which she’s completely gotten me into by now, and finally crawled back into bed around 2. I was impressed with us. On Sunday, we got up early and went, with our new memberships, to Sam’s club and picked up gargantuon amounts of cat supplies and soda, then went to Walmart for our regular groceries. We got a lot of stuff, and spend a decent amount of money, but it was much needed, and we should be set for awhile. For the rest of the day, we did absolutely nothing except watch movies and shows on tv and snuggled. It was great. I got a lot of much needed rest, finished two books and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

With an overnight low in the mid 30’s, there was frost on my windshield this morning. I’m looking forward to the week, I suppose, but more looking forward to next weekend. This week is Valentine’s day, and our official official anniversarry. As in, on Wed (as an anti-valentines day sentiment) is a year to the day that we had the “girlfriend” talk, and moved from dating and seeing each other to being official. I’m grateful for the past year, and look forward to many more to come. This year, especially this fall, is going to be something great. I can just feel it. And really, that’s the important thing to know and hold on to – every thing else, minor insecurities and old demons and stupid trivial matters? That’s just incidental.