Balance in Equality and Quantum Entanglements
The other day I woke up in the morning to be told, by a very sweet girl that I fell asleep in her arms the night previously. This is a new thing for me – a radical concept. I’m usually the hold-er…usually comfortable in the roll of protector, in various parts of the same whole. But this relationship is different by leaps and bounds. We have truly found equality. Neither one of us fulfil little “rolls” that are so stereotypical in relationships – especially in gay/lesbian relationships. Although I am a lot more butch than she is, while she is more feminine, we don’t fulfill the same pieces to each other all the time. For example, last night I developed a headache, but I’m not sure from what exactly and because I was cooking with oil that got too hot, my eyes were burning. So shortly after 9 o’clock when we were supposed to be getting psyched to watch the return of our favorite show, I was just feeling crappy. So I asked her if she would mind if I just headed to bed. She came into the bedroom with me, got me a wet paper towel for my eyes to wipe them, and tucked me in and held me for a few minutes. She wanted to magically take all my pain away, so she told me today. But the important factor was that, while you cannot remove pain from another person, you can want to – and the desire and intent is what makes the difference. With her, I don’t have to be the strong one all the time. I can be strong for her and support her when she’s not doing great, I can listen to her when she’s upset and she does exactly the same for me. We take our turns with vulnerability and sometimes insecurity – it’s part of being human. But I don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Our relationship is truly 50-50 in the truest since, which means that the percentages can change. Sometimes we’re 70-30 one way or another. Sometimes we’re 80-20 or 60-40. But both of us do the best that we can do at any time, in any circumstance and we compliment but not complete the other. We trust that the other person will be there, regardless. If I’m consistently doing the best I can do at any given time, and I know that she’s doing the same, it doesn’t matter what the percentage is. We are equal in our desire for the other to be happy, and to give what we can to the relationship, and always, always what we can give is more than adequate. We talk about what we need and want. We discuss all situations that arise calmly. We’re never disrespectful. We don’t raise our voices. Last Monday was the closest we ever have come to an “argument” or “disagreement” and it wasn’t anywhere close to a fight in the sense that I have been accustomed to. We were talking about that with our guests on Tequila night, laughing that the fighting may come in down the road, to which Aimee said “no it won’t. Sometimes it’s completely healthy to have a relationship with no fighting – me and my husband started fighting 3 months into dating, just because it’s our personality”. I am more inclined to have a personality for fighting than Devon does, I think – although in the past 2 years, I have become a lot more chill and a lot more go-with-the-flow. Its amazing what happens when you take the time to just focus on yourself and find what makes you happy apart from the input of outside personal influence like a relationship. And I think the really cool thing is that I don’t need her to be happy – I’m happy on my own, but I am happier, the fulfillment of happiness, when I’m with her. We compliment each other well. We both have our weaknesses and our strengths, and they match up like perfectly crafted puzzle pieces. I love the beauty of my life with her, and how simple it is to co-exist. We don’t need a lot of extra space. It’s truly a beautiful thing. And I have this innate desire to write it down and explore the underlying causes and roots of it – not so I can look back on it when it goes away – but because it’s a totally new side to myself, and myself in relationships specifically and I don’t want to take a single precious realization for granted.
In other news, my brand new car was scraped up yesterday sometime while I was at work. Someone hit it and scraped all down the driver’s side to the rear door. From back bumper to rear door hinge was a mess. And they didn’t leave a note or anything. I filed a police report, but there’s not a lot they can do without knowing who did it. I’ve been walking around the parking lot at work today looking for a white car with grey paint all over it. So far, no luck, and unfortunately it was out of security camera range. But I have confidence that I will find it eventually. Otherwise, the damage repair will have to come out of my own pocket since it’s a lease. I was outside with a magic eraser for almost an hour last night, trying to get the paint scrapes off of my car. I mostly succeeded, so that’s good. But there are a couple dents that I can’t do a lot about and one of the rear panels on the side became unclipped from it’s spot. I got it back in, but the front part of it is broken/damaged and won’t fully go in. So I’ll have to get it looked at. Hopefully it will be an easy fix, and I did get a security additive when I leased the car for dents/dings up to a certain amount, so there is that. Stupid that in 7 years of working here, all through the time I had my old car, I never got so much as a door ding on my car. But now that I have a brand new one that’s a lease, someone scrapes it up. Oh well – not anything I can do to change it.
As far as quantum entanglement goes, I’m starting to just fully appreciate how truly connected everything is that surrounds me in the world these days. I’ve been listening to a lot of scientific documentaries like “What the Bleep do we know” etc. The part that is most striking to me in that film, I think, is the water bottle experiment. A researcher in Japan had several bottles of water. One was the control bottle. On the next, he blessed the water with a positive message like “happiness or gratefulness” or the “chi of love” and taped it to the side of the bottle. Then on another bottle, he projected “I hate you and want you to die” and left all the bottles of water out overnight, then took pictures of individual water molecules. The control molecule was just normal. The ones imbued with positive messages had turned into beautiful crystals. And the negative one was a jagged, cruel looking mess. What hits home to me is that if our brains, and messages that we imprint on regular water can have that great of an affect, and our bodies are 90% water – how great an affect can the messages we give ourselves have? If we hate ourselves, and think negative things about ourselves, what does that do to our bodies? What does the opposite do? The film talks a great deal about the interaction of people and other people and objects, the nature of reality, the fact that positive influence and thought can stimulate and change the reality around us, but that most people are afraid enough of the unknown to not try and change their reality, because in a real way it changes who we are. We will always be “us” but “us” can constantly evolve. It talked about he concept of meditation to “create your day” the way you want it to go, and how little things start happening. That the effect of maintaining and creating focus when it is directed so specifically can have an enormous effect on the reality of the world and things around us. I think that another one of my resolutions for this year is to rediscover myself in regards to faith – practice more meditation, focus and ground myself more and start seeing what happens if I can focus my mind and continue to learn how to think differently than I have been in old patterns of behavior. I learned a lot of that through CODA…learning to break old thought patterns and behavior patterns and start learning to think differently – and it has had an enormous effect on my life and the way I see things, the way I react to things. I don’t let little things get to me nearly as much. I am not as self-conscious or doubtful. I don’t inwardly despise myself and rely on others positive opinions of me to define my sense of self-worth. I don’t need reassurances anymore. I stand, complete and ready to face the world on my own – and once I became ready and willing to do that on a consistent basis, I realized I didn’t have to face it alone at all. It’s a beautiful thing. I want to watch the film again at home, when I have a chance to reflect and possibly take notes on more specific things I”d like to discuss. I find my mind alive with ideas, some new – some just remembered. The spark of knowledge and learning has definitely been re-ignited in me. I look forward to see where it takes me.