motivations, perspective and celebration

I’ve learned over the past months that when you hold resentments towards someone – or even potential resentment, for me personally it’s usually because they’re not doing something I want them to do – or they’re not doing something the way I want them to. Which isn’t fair. It’s a co-dependent trait that surfaces in moments of imperfection, it comes up when I get sucked into previous patterns and behaviors. I’ve been trying, mostly successfully to live a life without resentments. They are poison in any friendship or relationship you experience, which does nothing to bring you closer to anyone – and only isolates you inside yourself. To live in a world full of resentments is to stop living, and becoming wrapped up in your own head. And that’s not a way to go about things. For me, it’s about finding a balance. Needing and wanting things from people in your life is not selfish – but sometimes your motivations can be. I’m examining things that I want or need, and finding the underlying motivation behind them. In some areas I need work – more co-dependent patterns and behaviors that were buried under other things. In others, I feel like I’m doing pretty well. I’ve always been an empathetic person – being in a relationship with another virgo empath is both wonderful, and sometimes more difficult. We feed off of each other’s moods and perceptions. I have to work on not projecting my fears onto her, or allowing my past experience to dictate my present feelings. It’s a process, not perfection. So my question for myself for the upcoming month, which I am going to focus on so I understand better is to try to identify my motivations for why I do things, or what I want. And challenge myself to not only feel empathy for others, not just the girl, but to do my best to change my perception and see things from their shoes. I think doing this will give me the chance to practice more patience and sympathy – understanding of others. And I feel that in many situations it will potentially diminish my frustration, or my feelings of inadequacy, or thoughts that my needs are somehow less than those of others. This will enhance my relationships, and my ability to maintain them, long term.

I’m not sure I deserve her adoration – for being proud of me. Yesterday was a horrible work day – I was flipping out, she called in the middle of a panic attack and I just vented and steamrolled her with a deluge of “omghelp”. Because of that, she was able to understand the frustration and helplessness that I felt over the weekend. It seems like everything that we’ve gone through, and all the personal difficulties we continue to face only serve to bring us closer together. It hasn’t usually worked that way for me. I’m excited to see what’s around the corner, good or bad – and ready to face whatever challenges it brings with an open mind and open heart. There comes a time when you no longer need pure, blind faith to keep going – you realize and recognize a truth in your heart, that goes deeper than just a simple feeling. That’s what I’m currently experiencing. A knowledge and awareness, that despite the unknown, I have a foundation of certainty behind it. Devon tells me that I’m a huge inspiration for how I combated a really bad day, made it to my meeting and came home “glowing”. And how I’ve managed to keep my stress in check today, and haven’t let it get to me, or overwhelm me and make me feel anxious. And last night, for the first time, she really got the concept that she doesn’t have to go through her anxiety on her own. She’s not alone, and it’s okay to ask for help, even if the only help that can be given is just support and patience. It seems simple, but it wasn’t an easy thing for me to realize – and it wasn’t easy for her either. I’m proud of her for the simple recognition of the truth. It takes a lot for people like us to ask for help. And I’m proud and grateful that the person she came to, the person she’s named her support system among her family is me. I am humbled, and challenged to continue to try and find my balance so I can be the best version of me I can be for myself – and for her. So to the girl, I would simply say:

“promise me, you’ll always remember…you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”

The week is moving along at a steady pace. Work has been a nightmare, but I’m doing my best. This weekend, we have our joint birthday/housewarming/relaxation party at the house. My house is currently a tornado area and needs some serious cleaning that I plan on partially tackling tonight, starting with taking the trash out. I will be at work late, run home, go to the gym/pool (variant on the weather) then clean up and make some dinner, then still have some time to relax before bedtime. So far a good collection of people are either going to show up at the house, then journey over to freaky tiki for a few drinks. I’m planning on taking a cab there and back if we can’t catch a ride with someone – it’s only a few blocks up the road, and that way I can drink moderately without having to worry about driving.

Next weekend is going to be epic – as Devon’s big birthday present (and she already knows) we are leaving town on Friday night, and enjoying a two day mini-vacation in Orlando. We are staying at the Wyndham resort, and enjoying Saturday (her actually birthday) at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, where we will be going to the new World of Harry Potter. She’s as excited to go as I am – I just booked our two night hotel room today, and now that it’s official, I can’t wait for it to arrive. Then, once we get home on Sunday afternoon, we still have the next day off work for Labor day to relax and enjoy being at home together. Three day weekends, especially when you forget about them in advance are wonderful things. I’m looking forward to my birthday this year as well. I have a feeling that 33 is going to bring very good things to my life – half of 32 was/is, and I have high hopes and big plans for the present, bleeding into the future. It’s going to be a good year. The end of the year is fast approaching, November thanksgiving in Maine is right around the corner, where I get to meet her family in person for the first time, and get my collection of hugs I have accumulating. I can’t wait. Then Christmas and Devon will officially (on paper) be moving in. I can’t wait to see what the year will bring. Full of hope, good things and big moves, I’m thinking. But for now, I’m hanging onto every moment, remembering to breathe and smile – and enjoy it. It’s a beautiful ride.

ps….I don’t think I’m getting a hurricane for my birthday after all – maybe a little wind, but it looks to be missing us, almost completely.