hidden messages and reality

I did the laundry in the dark, our clothes mingling in the damp of a washing machine, tumbling with soap, heat and a spark of electricity that had nothing to do with the washer. We tumbled on the couch last night, clinging to each other in the glow of the tv, neither of us paying attention to, at first stumbling over each other like words, getting caught in the back of our throats, until they let go – you let go, didn’t care and clung to me in the darkness where all that existed were the two of us, clinging to each other in abandon.

I feel as if this time, marked by trials and determination was us making the leap off of an unknown ledge of sorts, finding only clouds beneath, with no nails or tacks to stab us upon landing. I feel like this should be marked by celebrations, by gifts or talks. But we dance around the maybes that aren’t maybes at all – they’re certainties and now we find ourselves in a holding pattern, circling each other with smiles, teasing and gentle comments that go unacknowledged in the stillness. We are waiting for the thing we both know will come to be, but not yet. Not yet.

I don’t want to wait, but I know the patience is worth the effort it takes to control it. But it bursts from me in other ways – little expressions of joy amid the afterglow, declarations, carefully contrived so as not to say it out loud. We’ve talked about it yes, planned for it, dreamed of it for what seems like so much longer than the time has actually been. But have not made it available to official channels. The truth is, I’m swimming in the knowledge of it, and it clouds my thoughts with a clarity I’ve never known. The certainty of unconditionality and the awareness of what’s lingering right around the corner.

My password is marked with the unasked question, regardless of the fact that I know the answer. Last night you wouldn’t tell me a thought, and although I knew what it was about, I wanted to hear the words cross your lips – but I kissed you instead, in your embarrassment and quiet, and tasted them on my tongue to know the truth of them. I can still taste them now. It fills my heart with a quiet joy that will come bursting from me in reality before too long. I’ve left you messages on steamed up windows, traced letters on the skin of your back while you’re drifting off to sleep, imagined every possible scenario I can, knowing that when I meet it face to face, I’ll know. We both will.

There was a refrain of music in the background of a show I was watching, and I caught myself replaying it, over and over, seeing the future happening in front of me – the look on your face, the chill of the air and the glow of your eyes, lighting up with happy tears and acknowledgement. How does this happen? And what do you do, when you know?

You know my answer, although it’s not your question to ask….and you already have in your own way. Hand in hand, we face the world with the support of a real family behind us, no matter which direction we choose to do. What it comes down to is that it’s our choice to make. You and me, together. Equal. Determined.

In love.