April Flash #15

based on prompts by:

Amygdala: I’ll have you again; a bitter angel to follow;

Haredawg: I thought you knew, I thought you wanted me too

Silverstar46: they were pasted all over the wall

They were pasted all over the wall when I came home from work that day – post it notes and declarations of all my faults, scattered around as if they were in the scales of justice to be balanced – against what? I couldn’t find a list of positive attributes to be had anywhere, really. I knew I had one…somewhere. It seemed to have been misplaced, mislabeled, buried under the rubble. I looked at the shattered mirror, then down at the bloodied fist, still trembling, blood pooling on the ceramic tile under my bare feet, glass digging into the soft flesh of my toes as they curled around it, attempting to bring it in. I didn’t understand this, and you were less than forthcoming. We spoke in abstracts that night, not in complete sentences, our words melding into thoughts, and becoming more and more likely to be unspoken. It was like we understood each other, finally, at the basest level. Now that it was too late. It was ironic, really. We talked all night, watched the sun fade down into the water on the horizon, watched the moon rise to take it’s place and travel across the empty expanse of sky. We never raised our voices. We barely spoke above a whisper, really. Our conversation, or lack thereof moved from one room to another, staring in the living room, as I felt the rise and fall of my chest with a growing panic, realizing that these thoughts of yours were not new, were not out of nowhere, that you had been pondering this certainty for quite some time, collecting post-its and what-ifs before pasting them up to examine them in their entirety. There was really nothing I could do to change your mind once it was made up – that’s how we had gotten together in the first place, a match of your stubborn will against mine. You won then too. Bits and pieces floated and latched onto the wall of my memory, coating it like a slick coat of fresh paint that I was afraid to touch, afraid I’d tarnish the finish or get my hands dirty. One or the other. You told me the truth then, that I made you feel unwanted, made you loathe the time we would crawl into bed together, your front nestled into my back – I always turned away from you in the darkness, didn’t I? “but I thought you knew” I whispered then – at the time we were sitting out under the stars, flashing like neon warning lights far, far away in the distance”

“I thought you knew” you answered “I thought you wanted me too”

“but I did”

“you never said so”

“yes I did.”

“when?”

A noticeable pause.

“but I showed you…”

“how?”

Then, after more silence, 5 cups of coffee followed by something stronger, you reached past me to hang your keys on the rack by the door. Somehow I knew it was the last time – it was significant that you, such a stickler for organization would not be taking them with you.

“I’ll have you again, you know” I said. You shook your head sadly. Silently. Until…

“no, babe. But feel better in knowing that you’re a bitter angel to follow. No one can quite fill those shoes of yours”

You smiled then, one last flash of brilliant white teeth that I used to stare at when I couldn’t find the courage to look in your eyes. And then you were gone.

I spent the morning collecting post-it notes and adding tearstained comments at the bottom, not that it mattered. But damnit, I was going to finally have my way, somehow.

moon over water; wolf-howl and tiger paw; lonely sapphire