taking a break…*e*

…from the flash challenge, at least for a day. I ‘m feeling out of sorts and disconnected and discombobulated, and I’m really not sure why. It’s probably the pieces of a lot of different things, joining together into this huge jumbled mess in my head. I really have nothing to complain about, but I still feel out of sorts.

1) I need to get myself financially back on track. I was doing really good for awhile there, and kind of lost my momentum. I need to pay off my credit cards again, and keep them that way, minus one or two little charges monthly that I can pay off every month. I need to rebuild my savings again, it’s still up there, but not where I would like it to be, especially since I’m looking at the possibility of using a good chunk of it for moving in the near future. I kind of lost control of myself, and while sometimes that’s good and necessary, sometimes its not.

2) I’m stressed about moving, about looking around for apartments. I don’t do change well, and I absolutely hate moving. It’s such a hassle, such a chore, especially for someone like me who doesn’t know that many people, and even less that are willing to help for a move like that. I hate packing up all my stuff, being all disorganized, carrying everything, loading it, moving it, unpacking. It makes everything seem chaotic, and I do not do chaos well. But ever since the ceiling of my little apartment collapsed, and I’ve been tripling my gas consumption for trips to the girl, I know I need to be closer. So I’ve got to do something. But this is one of those situations where I wish I had someone who would just do it for me. That never happens though.

3) Ever since the great ceiling collapse (well, maybe once or twice before then) my demon cat re-took up the habit of peeing on my furniture. She hadn’t done it since I got my new couch, and although I’m not attached to that couch and will need another one (it’s very small) cleaning it and having to treat it for the stench of cat pee on top of everything else was not on my list of priorities. I don’t like it. So I’m stressed about that, too.

4) while work had improved greatly since this time last week, it took a sharp left turn again today with the attitudes and the overwhelming stress of it all. I have got to do something, because just whining and complaining about it isn’t going to make anything better. It means that today I’ve been busy, with headphones jammed in my ear, listening to one song over and over and over again – it’s the girl’s song. And that made me miss her. I miss her terribly, even though I see her all the time. Something about this has got to change for the better…but the timing for that is still a long way away, realistically with leases, etc factoring into the picture. And for some reason, I’m still overly concerned about outside opinions and timing. Which leads me right into…

5) I’m walking around with the weight of feeling like I’m being dishonest with myself, and with her, and with mother nature, which is not a good feeling to have or live with. Because of the timing, because of the opinions and advice (asked for or not) of a select few (most have told me to go for it, to just do it and be happy because I know what’s right and when) I’ve been carrying around these thoughts that live mostly in silence or written form. We don’t talk about them. I know right now is not a good time to talk about them – we are 3 days away from 3 months which, to her, is a huge milestone as far as relationships go. For me…well I’ll worry in about 3 years. But… Yeah. For someone who has adopted a practice of radical honesty, not saying things that I want to say, or doing things that I want to do leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t like it. And I can’t reconcile myself to it. Like neither one of us can reconcile ourselves to the missing. We’ve discussed that much of it, at least. It’s a dichotomy. Both of us are so independent (go figure, since I’m in a 12 step program for codependence) and we need our time apart, our space. I like having a place to go where it’s just me. I like being able to sit in the quiet and write. And this relationship, unlike my last few, we have a lot of that. We are not constantly in contact, we don’t even talk on the phone every day. We have our patterns of when we communicate, that we usually stick to just by habit, not by planning. Sometimes they vary, which triggers certain insecurities in either one of us. But the missing has gotten worse. I knew it would…it’s almost physically painful. Slightly co-dependent? Maybe. The difference being I don’t feel like I NEED her. I don’t feel like my world would collapse if something happened, and she wasn’t my whatever she is. I know that my life has improved dramatically since she was in it, and I love having her around. But I have maintained my individuality, I have a fierce hold on my independence and my own life, my own friendships, my own life. That’s not going to change. Missing her is different than it has been in my past. It’s a lot more raw, because I CAN see her, she’s RIGHT there, and part of it is knowing she’s so close, just not right where I am at any given time that makes it bad. I’m not explaining this well at all, I think.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m not unhappy – far from it. Just have a lot on my mind…a lot going on upstairs. And on top of everything else, I have the cramps from hell, which probably doesn’t help.

Apologies for the nonsense this ramble was.

*edit*

okay…I realize this entry was a bitch fest, but I’m not unhappy. I’m not upset, or frustrated about anything bad. Just wanted to vent and get some things out, write out my feelings and thoughts about a few things that had me minorly stressed. The meeting tonight, and officially meeting (more like recognizing) my mirror-self…that’s a story for another day, meeting yourself 6 months from now…very intriguing and curious… getting it out in the open, talking to the girl about some things…it helped. I think her and I are of like minds. Not surprising, really. I think she said something to the effect of “I understand what you mean…seeing this future that you really want on the horizon, and you just want it now…I totally get it…but at the same time, waiting for it isn’t a bad thing as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, etc…it’s worth it, just knowing it will happen”. I get that too… Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism that I tell her that she doesn’t understand certain things…and I should just give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s a pretty smart cookie, that one. I’m not worried about the future…maybe that’s partial reason for the “rushed” feeling of wanting it now, because I finally, for once, understand the way it should be…the way things should feel… and the right reasons for wanting them. So…for now…indefinitely, really I’m letting go. things will happen when they happen, when and if they’re meant to. That’s really all I can do, anyway. Maybe in my mind, but it’s out of my hands at the moment, and there’s always a peace in letting go. We’ll see how that works out.