Monumental Momentary

A few things. Not many. It’s been a strange week, in which a lot of things both bad and good have happened. I completely lost control of myself on Tuesday, had one of the worst days I’ve had in awhile, but I wrote about that already. I dealt with the aftermath of my living room ceiling collapsing. My demon cat has once again decided to start peeing on my furniture, and I’m finding that breaking a cat of a bad habit is even harder than it is to break myself. I exposed myself emotionally in front of my girlfriend (at least on the phone) and laid myself out there bare and open and falling apart, and she supported and loved me anyway. She’s been sick-ish physically, I’ve been sick-ish emotionally. And when we saw each other last night, it was peaceful, quiet and easy. We realized the milestone we’re approaching – 3 months is a big deal for her, since most of her relationships seem to last somewhere between 3-4. We still have had no issues. No problems. No frustrations, lingering questions or worries, at least on my end. I can’t really say anything about her end, although the talks we’ve had, how we’re planning for the future, planning vacations together over holidays, planning for eventualities down the road and dancing around labels and official notices, I believe we both see the same future. It didn’t really occur to me until last night, though. 3 months is a big deal, and we’re a week away from today, actually. Then our 4 month anniversary will fall on the day Beltaine is celebrated this year, which, barring physical calamity (and by calamity I mean that one or both of us is paralyzed because that will pretty much be the only valid reason that something will get in my way) will be the first Beltaine I think I’ve ever had in which I will be celebrating in the traditional way. In other words…I’m not leaving my house that weekend, except maybe to get vitamins or take out or water. Yeah. The approaching 3 month mark doesn’t frighten me like I thought it might. I’m not doubting anything. I think it’s normal to feel a bit of storminess given what it’s meant to her in the past, but I’m not the past, nor am I the people she has shared her past with. She is not my past either, which is why I’m not afraid of my 3 year mark either, although it’s a long way away from now. But I would expect her to feel minorly queasy as that moment approaches. She says she understands. But what I want her to understand is that I’m still not scared. Not full of worry. I’m full of wonder. Even in our quiet nights together, where she’s not feeling perfectly great, and she’s tired – we were both tired really…it was so beautiful, just being there. Last night we watched the third Twilight movie, which I thought was the best of all three by far (and I know, I know, but I actually thought the concept and the cinematography was really cool even if some of the actors do anything but actually…I duno…act) and she fell asleep, curled in a cocoon of sweetness on my shoulder, my hands holding both of hers. She breathed in my ear, and the only thought I could remember was “this is home…this is safe, and good and wonderful…we’re good….this is where I need to be, where I’m supposed to be, for whatever the future holds, it’s us…just us.” And I believe that to be true, wholeheartedly. She woke up a bit later to watch the end of the movie, then we curled up together and slept. Waking up this morning, next to her, feeling her – the way she holds me when she doesn’t want me to move, how secure and safe I feel in her arms and how taken care of I feel, the security I feel and believe in is like nothing I’ve ever felt. And it occurs to me now, afterwards, after a lunch of texting and acknowledgement that it’s supposed to feel this way. While I don’t put a lot of stock into the way things are “supposed” to be…I set my own rules and play my own game usually, I feel it here, in these moments. Waiting is hard, when we both want an identical future, an identical reality. But I know she’s right when she says the longer it is, the firmer a foundation we have. But really? I’m not worried about our foundation. I know that all couples disagree. It’s inevitable, eventually. But I can’t even imagine what that would be like. The thought makes me think, sometimes, but I also have every confidence that no matter what happens, we’ll make it. I can’t imagine anything about us that there would be to fight over. Minor disagreement, maybe. I can see the possibility of minor annoyances, minor debates, minor frustrations. It happens. When two people grow together, especially when they live together, it happens. But it doesn’t mean the end of the world. It’s just a storm to weather before sailing off to another horizon. As of now, when we see each other several times a week but it never seems like enough, where we miss each other the instant we’re parted, but not in an unhealthy way – in a very real “there’s a missing something where she’s supposed to be, because she’s not here” kind of way, the way she crosses my mind in my day to day world and the smile she brings to my face constantly, it seems less likely. While we have no plans to life-smash as of yet I see it as something that’s coming, eventually. And after that, after a possible trip over Thanksgiving, after the realities of what is…despite how it comes about or who takes the leap of faith first, it will happen. From there, who knows. But although it’s a place I’ve thought I’ve been before, the dreams are painted with the brush of the real, the acknowledged awareness of truth and destiny. And I want as many of my OD friends/family to share that, to experience that, to see it, as possible. To know that I, and anyone can come from a place of uncertainty, shaky ground and dark to a world of light. People do change. And there is always hope, even when it seems far away. I can’t wait to share that with all of you, honestly. And I hope you’ll take the time to consider sharing that, being there and seeing the world through my eyes and the path that I consistently chose to take, even though in a way – it chose me.

In other news, on Saturday afternoon, I have my first CODA Intergroup meeting, where I am the representative from our little group to a meeting of the minds for the bigger gathering. It’s for two hours, conveniently right on the way to Spike’s house. From the meeting, I’m going over to hers for afternoon naps before one of her friend’s epic 30th birthday event taking place that evening. From there, who knows? It’s kind of nice to not have a plan, to just be able to take it as it comes – wherever it goes. I am slightly uncomfortable with the idea that we will be riding on a party bus from Palm Harbor to Ybor city so no one has to drive and find parking, etc. That means I will be at a club, late at night in a strange place, with no escape/getaway car if either me or Spike gets uncomfortable. Worst case scenario, we could always take a cab back to where my car will be, but I’m hoping it’s a good time, lots of fun, and we won’t have to do that. Either way, I’m good. Sunday is yet unknown – depends on if we drive back to my place on Saturday night depending on how tired we are, or if we stay at hers. Depends on a lot of things actually. No matter what, should be a busier but good weekend. Then next Friday is our anniversary, and then her ex wants to meet us both at some after-concert event on Saturday? Yeah, not sure how I feel about that yet, she’s not sure how she feels about that either, but we’ll see. Sometimes it pays to not have a plan…just go with the flow, relax and learn to swim.

I heard from the ex again on Wed. Just a small email to my work address, asking how I was doing. I didn’t respond that day. I marinated on it first. My initial instinct was to ignore it as I had her last attempt in march. But I used to know this girl, and she’s relentless – I didn’t think ignoring her would work. She would just keep on trying, and I don’t want her to. At all. I so thought about it, talked to a friend from group for awhile about it, spoke to Spike about it, and decided to send her an email telling her that I was fine, everything was fine but that I didn’t think communication was healthy, and I wasn’t interested. She responded, saying she didn’t know how being friendly was unhealthy, then another email about sandwiches (but not to disrespect my wishes or anything). I don’t think she’s going to stop. Here’s the deal. In January, the last time I tried to contact her when she ended up deleting our shared diary, she told me quite bluntly that if I ever tried to contact her again and it wasn’t an emergency, she would report me for harassment. I took her seriously, and haven’t said a word to her since. On top of that, she hasn’t really even crossed my mind, except in passing – or wondering where my stuff is, since she’s now moved to a new house. My life has been so peaceful, so calm and so drama-free without her in it, and I want it to stay that way. She’s my past, and since she’s the one person I wondered about for 7 years, and contributed to the collapse of 3 of my relationships now, I don’t think having her in my life is a good idea. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s not respectful to Spike (although she would never tell me I shouldn’t/couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to). I just don’t’ want to. But to me, in my opinion, if you threaten someone with police/legal action if they talk to you again, it’s kind of a serious thing that you can’t just decide to change your mind about. If there’s a chance you may change your mind at some undisclosed point in the future (let alone just a month ½ down the road) perhaps you should be careful what you say, or think before speaking. When you say things like that, there are consequences, and we are all responsible for our own words and choices. Yes, people can change their minds, and no one is perfect. But to me, that’s not something you just change your mind from. I may have been half responsible for the reason we could no longer have a relationship, but her behavior and her words are the reason, at least to me, that we cannot have a friendship. And the reality of the matter is, I’m not interested, and I don’t want to. Period. My past is staying in the past. My present is too amazing, and my future is too beautiful to tarnish either one with that lingering bullshit. I’m done. I’ve been done. I just sincerely hope, now, that maybe she will have gotten the message – and maybe, for once, she’ll just leave me alone, for good.

That’s pretty much it. I’m very thankful that it’s Friday, and I can’t wait to see how the weekend goes, cause the frustration level (in a good way, mostly) is getting epic, a week is a long time and I’m ready. Nevermind.