here comes the rain again…

I am so completely frustrated and overwhelmed right now. I have been reduced to tears on more than one occasion in my office today and it seems like no matter how bad it gets, it keeps getting worse. It’s been like this for the last week, I suppose. With these new responsibilities added on to my old responsibilities, that I already didn’t have time to do all of, I feel this constant pressure to do everything, and to do everything perfectly and I can’t. I just can’t. I start to get overwhelmed, when I get handed a stack of 100 set ups to do, I’m finally reaching the end, I can see the last few pieces – only to get handed a hundred more, and have the ones I’ve just worked so hard to get in so quickly taken away to be worked. In the midst of all this, I have to handle all facility related duties – service calls on printers, leaks, maintenance calls, etc – I have to manage and track all of these things and report back to people on them. I have to receive and make calls to clinics. I have to deal with the bad attitudes of people that I work with – and I have no help. There is one person I can ask for help – my boss…and most of the time, she won’t. She’s only my backup for the setups. Period. For the facilities stuff, I AM the backup – I got that job because the executive assistant was overwhelmed and had too much on her plate, but I feel as if, instead of assisting her, it was all just dumped on me. I have to escort repair people around the property and stay with them in secured locations (which is all locations in our building). I have to run around and check on machines. I have to stock the coffee. I have to answer emails, update spreadsheets, write things down, remember the million things I do every day in case someone comes back a week later to ask a question about one of them. I try to be responsible and let people know where I am in case someone else is looking for me. Prime example: On the way back inside from my last break of the day (which I took early because I had too much of my REAL work to do, which I haven’t had a chance to touch in over a week) I got waylaid by the security guard downstairs because the repair guy for the two malfunctioning third floor printers was here. I had to get him badged, had to walk him to the third floor and stand there while he fixed two different printers. I called downstairs to my office to let P know where I was, and that I didn’t know how long I’d be. When I got back to my office, the first thing I got was attitude. L turns around and says “is Julie back yet?” when I said yes, were you looking for me, her response was “well we had same day set ups to do, but it’s kinda too fucking late now, thanks”. Yeah. Okay. I TOLD someone where I was, and my backup for setups is supposed to be my boss. But not only did my boss not do them, I really doubt they even asked her to. What am I supposed to do? All of this? This isn’t even what I get paid to do. What I get PAID to do is be a reconciliation accounts specialist for the two biggest clinics we have…and I haven’t had time to touch or work on either one of them in over a week. I’m in over my head. And that’s just the facts of the situation, to say nothing of my feelings.

I usually work well under pressure. It’s what I do. I like deadlines and tight schedules and managing my time wisely. The problem is, I cannot manage my time for this. Sometimes setups are dead. Sometimes they’re slammed, and you never know which you’re going to get. You never know what facility issues are going to happen or when. The problem is that every single thing I do is top priority to someone. And the stuff that is top priority to me ends up getting shuffled to the back – which means it’s not done at all, because no one else in this building knows how to do what I do. NO one. That makes me feel like absolute crap. I’m always the strong one. I’m the one that is easy going, good under pressure, roll with the punches kind of person – at least at work. IT wasn’t that way in my personal life until the last year or so. I’m also not a big crier. I’m more likely to cry over little things than big things – I dunno if I’ve ever cried over some of the losses in my life, over some of the heartaches I’ve gone through. But when I get stressed out and overwhelmed, like today, I just sat at my desk and cried – I budgeted about 90 seconds for that, then I was just too busy and couldn’t cry anymore. I honestly feel like I’m losing it, and I really don’t know what to do about it. It’s 90% work, but I’m sure that coming home last night and finding my apartment a total wreck (it was the first time I had been home since Friday morning after the collapsing ceiling disaster) with plaster dust and footprints and rubble all over it, so much so that I spent the next 3-4 hours frantically cleaning and rearranging my entire living room, probably didn’t help. I know that it also didn’t help that the best my landlord would do, after all that – is offer me $80 bucks off my next month’s rent to cover the 4 days my house was uninhabitable. It didn’t help that I got into a stupid war of words with my best friend which left me feeling guilty and pathetic and an asshole. Its just that this all happened at once, I feel smothered and suffocated by my every day life, by my job, by my circumstance. This is not me playing the victim card at all, I don’t think the universe is conspiring against me. But when I get overwhelmed like this, it leads to massive amounts of frustration, and there’s nothing I can do to make it any better, which leaves me feeling even more frustrated which makes me feel out of control and just chaotic, which plays into my recovery, which is just a tail spin of negative feelings and thoughts. It’s kind of crazy. I feel kind of crazy and chaotic right now.

On top of all of THAT…I’m PMS-ing hardcore, and I think I’m having a once in a lifetime kind of girlie day where I just want to surrender control, give up, give in and have someone, anyone just take care of ME. I’m always the strong one…always…I try to take care of people I love, I try to do the best job I possibly can, at the expense sometimes of my sanity, I try to do everything perfectly, to be there, to listen, to understand, to advise, to listen…and I just want someone to do that for me right now. That’s all.

Go figure that out of all this, though, the one thing I’m certain of, not doubting, not freaking out about and very contented in is Spike. She’s kind of my anchor at the moment, when my boat is riding the waves and close to capsizing. It’s not even that she’s doing anything special – just being there. Making jokes, being supportive, being outraged on my behalf – telling me she’s sorry. Loving me, through all of it. Welcome to a grown-up relationship with the person who it’s always supposed to be, Jules.

My one ray of sunshine today was in little tidbits from a conversation with a friend/coworker earlier. We were discussing family, how hers is so supportive and accepting, while mine is pretty empty and non-existant.

Me: Sometimes I just feel like I have nothing really to offer her. I have no family, only a handful of friends that really know me that I’m really close to…compared to her family, her friends…I’m in recovery and getting better, but I sometimes feel like I’m offering her a broken, banged up, unwrapped present of me, when she’s given me Christmas just cause she exists.

Amanda: I’m pretty sure that all she needs and wants is you, Jules…as imperfect as you may be…she just wants you.

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