rivers, Confirmations and a flood of hope
The weekend did not quite go as expected. But sometimes the most fun can be had when it goes against your original plan. And the reality of the situation is that it was mostly wonderful. Nothing really went according to plan this weekend, and while normally that would spin my OCD into overdrive, it wasn’t bad. Actually, I don’t think I really thought about it. I’m finding that as I grow more and more into myself and into this more stable, well-balanced individual who I am proud of being, it makes it a lot easier to go with the flow, just relax and enjoy every moment that comes, with twists and turns and unexpected changes in plan. And it really was a lot of fun.
I was on my way towards Spike’s house early on Saturday afternoon when she called with a change of plan – they were at a restaurant/bar in downtown Dunedin (thanks to the time zone that revolves around L) and hadn’t made it home. So I got quick directions, then called another friend to get google map directions, cut across 4 lanes of traffic on US 19 (fun…that was a fun, fun thing to do…if you cannot see the sarcasm on the floor from where it dripped off that statement, you don’t know me at all) to cut across 580 towards Dunedin, instead of Palm Harbor. Downtown Dunedin was a disaster area, with the festival/market/whattheheckever happening so I drove around (as my dad would say) in ever increasing circles, finally landing a parking spot right next to where I was supposed to be. Actually, the first time I drove by it, I was expecting it to be on the other side of the street because I didn’t realize I was coming in from the opposite direction. I noticed it just in time to go zooming past the parking lot I was supposed to turn into and waved to it as I passed, like “oh, hi, ms restaurant, see you in a minute”. About 7 minutes later, after repeating the same, gradually repeating loop about 10 times, I was set. I met them inside, just in time to be told we were leaving. Spike and L were already slightly buzzed-ish, so I had to drive L’s car to move it to a different parking spot, then we went back to the same place we just left to have another drink and talk – see bits and pieces of one of L’s dance routines for her students. It was funny. Another friend of theirs met us there, and we missed several (2? 3) of the trollys that we were supposed to be taking from Downtown Dunedin to downtown Clearwater (that was the plan for the day). Finally, we got ready to get out of there, I had to move my car, L had to move her car (again) and so did their friend – we ended up getting parking right on the street in front of where we were, all in a row. It was a miracle of some sort. We waited for the Trolly for awhile, and probably right before it was supposed to show, we nixed the trolly idea all together and drove through Dunedin instead to get some lunch. After lunch, we all headed back to their apartment (by this time, going to Freaky Teaky’s that night had been brought up at LEAST 151 times by L – she REALLY wanted us to go and dance, but since we had tentative plans for a movie later, we had refused to commit to going). We attempted a nap. It didn’t really work. Maybe we rested our eyes for 15 minutes or so, in between watching the L word, listening to music and …um… studying. We’re very studious that way, really. We finally agreed to meet them at FT’s, instead of going WITH them, so we could leave early if we wanted to. That, of course, meant that we got there before anyone else showed up, which was half an hour after we were supposed to be there. We had a couple beers and talked – I still didn’t manage to get Spike to play pool with me. The others started showing up gradually. And about half an hour later, we were told it was time to dance. And it was a blast. Since they all knew I had been on a dance crew for awhile in my home town, they wanted to see what I could do. It was less awkward because of the crazy, insane shot I previously poured down my throat with a few beer chasers. One of the guys and I had little many dance offs – I attempted to swing dance to a very un-swinging song with L, and even managed a bit of a country line dance with L and C, while watching Spike sit there and laugh at me. Dancing together was something that, for some strange reason, in two months, Spike and I had never managed to do – and it worked well. She laughingly told me it was the last test for us – and that I passed with flying colors. It was a blast honestly. Around 12:30-1 ish, the group was moving across the parking lot to Wild Fish. Spike and I walked over there, found out there was a cover, and it looked like it was packed with Jersey Shore rejects and turned our butts right around and went home instead, back to my little corner of the world where we crawled into bed, not caring that both of us smelled like smoke, sweat and stale beer, and drifted off to sleep pretty quickly.
On Sunday, shock of all shocks, we actually stayed in bed until shortly after nine – although both of us had been awake prior to that. I was really excited that we had somehow managed to sleep in, until I realized that with Daylight Saving’s time we hadn’t really. Go figure. I went to dunkin donut’s for a breakfast sandwich run, and we had a very quiet day. I dressed up ah-la 30s style for a blockbuster run, where we got two movies that we only partially watched one of. Sunday afternoon skipped by too quickly – Spike wasn’t feeling that great, and I think I was picking up on a little bit of her anxiety. She went to take a really short nap at one point which turned into her talking to her mother…after that we had a brief moment on the couch that was full of Windy speak, shared fear, and vulnerability. I had a slight moment of something…it wasn’t fear, I wasn’t afraid. I guess you could say I had to confront one or two old demons but… I didn’t fall into my typical reaction of pushing or retreating or panicking. I told her about it rather openly. We held each other…it was okay. Everything was okay. And shortly later, with her in my old jeans and our hands joined and relaxing music, we were on our way back to reality. I dropped her off and kissed her goodbye and drove home.
We texted a bit after I got home… she’s really very much sweeter than I’m used to, and I kind of like it. It’s so strange – we have the most intense conversations while driving. We have intense conversations a lot, actually, but a lot of them seem to happen while we’re driving from one place to another. I guess it’s because it’s a 45 minute trip one way between her house and mine, so there’s time for that. We talked about a lot this weekend – scary future dreams, the connections between people that you’re meant to be with, old folk traditions, confirmations we’d received from others. I see rivers in our future, although – I have to say that perhaps the river is not the location of something, but rather how it will be perceived by me, perhaps by both of us. A river, being pure and unadulterated, free-flowing, moving…clean. It’s like being washed over with a clean slate, it symbolizes new beginnings. It kind of fits in with the state of nature right now – it’s almost Ostara or the Vernal Equinox, which is the transition from winter into spring – everything is being joined together, new birth, new life, new hope. I’m thinking that I should have remembered when discussing the future with Markus, I should learn to not be so literal. He’s tricky that way. But he’s told me some things about this that I couldn’t have dreamed. And it’s peaceful. Spike reminded me of that in the space between her moment and mine – she told me to remember that, hold on to that when I feel windy or shaky. And she was right. The girl usually is. And she can win anytime she wants. For me? That’s huge. And I mean it, with all my heart.
For whatever the future holds, I’ve got a heart full of sunshine – my stormclouds have receded back towards the horizon, and my waters past this breakwater are calm. A heart full of sunshine – and a pocket full of just enough hope to realize that sometimes, when you least expect them – dreams really do come true.