and now, a word from our sponsor

apparently, it’s a two-for-one deal kinda day today. I want to write and nothing else, which is good for the writing, good for the soul, and good for my head – probably not so great for work 🙂 That’s okay.

I had a conversation with my CODA sponsor today, via text – we’re actually kinda helping each other out, I guess we work together well in different capacities at different times. She’s going through a raw deal right now with her significant other, and I’m going through a wonderful time with mine – but an off an on time with my own head. I’m experiencing a lot, going through my past and writing it down in lengthy or short bursts, remembering the emotions behind the events, calling myself on the carpet for my mistakes. It’s a lot of hard work. I look forward to the end of step four, but I realize I will be here for awhile to come. My biggest problem with the step is not the step at all, but finding a way to approach it. I hear, every week, that it’s important to focus on what we can do now. No fourth step is identical, and I know I will be revisiting this place again, and I know the next time I come at it, fists up and ready to brawl, it will be different. But a part of me wants to knock it out of the ballpark now, confront all my demons head-on and blow them away. It’s just knowing how that’s difficult. It’s such a huge process, examining your past, your life, your feelings, your victimology, your crimes, your hesitations and your failures. It’s hard to write down. Hard to focus my mind long enough to be able to do that with so many things swimming in my head. But I am a determined little firefly, and I’m going to make it work.

Back to the point, however. I am experiencing something that is, apparently, quite common and even, dare I say, “normal” in recovery. It’s called Hyper-vigilance. It’s what happens to people like me who have experienced so much of the bad, who are confronted with normal for the first time. We don’t recognize the feeling. It’s foreign, like submerging ourselves in another culture for a time. We become so accustomed to the bad, to the negative, to the constant unease, the constant worry that we’ve done something wrong, that someone is mad at us, that something has gone horribly awry that we’re waiting for the bottom to fall out all the time, always on guard, always on edge. So when things are good, when things are normal, when there’s no reason to worry, nothing to feel insecure or defensive about – we become hyper aware of things, of reactions, of phrasing and wording, timing – waiting and looking for something to be wrong. It’s a pre-emptive defense mechanism that we’ve become accustomed to so much so that we don’t realize we’re doing it. And I started doing it this morning, and experienced a mild wave of panic over nothing. I don’t even know what started it. I don’t know where it came from, or why. It was all of a sudden, this big knot in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t remember swallowing. it happens. I was reminded that I’m not crazy, although it makes me feel like it. And I was reminded to be proud of the fact that I did not jump into my pre-disposition in times like this – to succumb to panic, firstly, or secondly – to push everyone that was too close away at arms length, trying to make the hurt stop before it even started. I’m not wanting to hurt, not even really expecting it, but I have had my guard up for so long in so many circumstances that it becomes a natural reaction. Today was not triggered by anyone or anything specifically – just kind of happened. And I have to allow the panic to wash over me and accept the fact (and fully realize) that like waves, it’s not permanent…it will recede. But I have to give it the chance to, without retreating. I’m stronger than to run away from this feeling. The hard part for me is to allow it to happen and not smush it, like I’m prone to do. This is also prone to happen to people with trust issues. Funny that.

It’s a funny thing about me and trust. You’d think I’d be scarred for life, given my previous experience, but I’m not. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but it’s true – trust is earned, not given – but…(and this is a big but) I will not project the betrayal of others onto another person. They are not them. And I have no reason not to trust people that I am choosing to surround myself with now. Honestly, it’s kind of mind-blowing and miraculous to me how far I’ve allowed another person in, soon or not. But it’s not unwarranted. We made promises on Sunday night amid random bouts of pms – not scary promises, but honest ones. We agreed, tangled up in sheets and a late-afternoon pause in time, that if there was something wrong, we would talk about it. Not hold it in, and use it to pick on the other. Seems simple, and straightforward, but it’s amazing how rare it is in reality. And what’s more…I believe her. I honestly, genuinely believe her. Therefore, I have no cause for panic where she’s concerned. If there was a problem, I would know. She has opened herself to me just as much as I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of her. That is the difference, right there. The equal willingness. But she has no idea how close she is to my breakwater – and that will be the test, I think. For both of us. That will be a trying time of balance for me. I built this breakwater out in the middle of my waves a long, long time ago – and many have approached it, but gotten no further – either by their own choosing, or because my tide made it impassable. The test for me, I think, will be in allowing that approach and keeping the water calm. The test for her (not that I’m testing her, this is not a game, and she’s passed with flying colors anything close in comparison) will be steadiness, understanding and crossing over, to the wild beyond. I’m not sure exactly what’s past that little barrier. I’m not keeping it standing by an act of will, and it’s not like I don’t want her to cross it – but the reality is that it’s her choice – not mine. She’s the wanderer in my world…just like I am in hers…I will make no effort to prevent or impede her. But she’s the one who’s moving – and I’m standing still. It will be much the same, in reverse for me with her, I think. I hear that real relationships are like this. Funny to be experiencing one.

I think a lot of my unease today has centered around work – I literally have been thrown to the wolves, as of this morning. I got a change in responsibility (while keeping all of my old responsibilities) and was tasked to additionally do some new things. There is no training that can actually prepare you to do it, though – you just actually have to do it. So I have handled, so far, my first 3 helpdesk tickets today, and they are at least in process, but not completed. But it’s the unease of not knowing what you’re doing (and I always like to know what I’m doing, I’m not a fan of uncertainty, who would have guessed). It’s made me second-guess myself a little bit, although I know help is a simple messenger away. I’m independent like that, though and want to do it myself, just to know I can. So that plays tricks with me a little.

No one ever learned to walk without falling over a few times. This is me, getting my feet wet, learning to stand steadily while the world is rumbling under me. Learning to recognize and accept my own weaknesses while growing towards strength. This is me learning faith, for the first time – relearning trust, where it has previously failed me, learning to let go and just believe, and learning, finally, that it’s okay to be happy – and it doesn’t always mean the rain is coming. Sometimes you just have to lay down on the grass, smile, and enjoy the sunshine.