Hello, goodbye

It was 15 years ago today, later this afternoon, when I’ll be alone and sitting on a beach somewhere staring out across the waves when I experienced my first sense of loss. Complete loss, in a tangle of blood and sidewalk and confusion. I lost…no. I didn’t lose anything, it was ripped from me, right in front of my eyes quite suddenly despite my best intentions to hold on. My first girlfriend, if you can call her that – Rachael. It was the first time I ever saw death, real, visceral and horrifying – there was no peace in those moments between the fear and the gurgling. And I can still feel the sidewalk biting into my knees and the sunlight on my shoulders and just seeing her… she was there, then she wasn’t. I understood the nature of mortality in those moments, and how fleeting and iffy it was. Time heals wounds like that, but I have scars. They remain. Lingering like ghosts that topple spaghetti into your eyes on moments of remembering. Today is a day for remembering for me.

I was stupid last night. I think the downside of experiencing this step in recovery, as well as the emotional nature of remembered anniversaries and things you wish you could hold onto – and others you wish you could forget is that it puts me in a deeply emotional state. In order to let go, to forgive yourself and experience the emotions you’ve repressed and held back for so long, you have to allow yourself to feel them in their entirety. That means you feel the anger, you feel the hollow, you feel the pain, in this remembering. It’s put me in a strange state for a couple of days. I’m still happy, still basking in the glow, but it’s times like this when I remember why I’m going through this, why I sought recovery in the first place – and it’s a reminder that I’m not “cured” and that sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it’s a struggle, to not sink into the person you were, and allow it to take over again. I had a moment of uncertainty, a moment when suddenly the thing I was so sure of seemed not so certain. I blame the emotional state. I felt fear, briefly for the first time in this. And then I worried myself into a fitful, uneasy sleep. When I woke up this morning, I had to remind myself that I was being silly. But still, projection or not, things seem a bit different now. I feel a different texture in the air, a lingering breeze of cool where the sun was shining and warm a few days ago. My vulnerability was showing, and while I was proud of that, sometimes putting yourself out there, out into the world and the hands of another human being has the consistency of being slid down a cheese grater. And I feel a little grated. I’m realizing that this has little to do with her, and more to do with my projection of events – taking things and spinning them around in my head full of wonder-worry. It’s not major, it’s not even really important. It’s just a battle of inner demons, that occasionally like to play tricks on my reality. Perhaps it’s a combination of things, her getting sick again (or starting to), a cancellation of yesterday, a busy schedule, along with things on my side like emotional upheaval, radical, lingering vulnerability and the middle of a process that is very much a challenge. And a conversation about ghosts. I suppose I’m used to them. They scare her. It’s just a part of me that I never imagined would be frightening to someone else. It’s a new thing for her, and being in a new relationship with someone to which that is a new thing is a new thing for me. My smile may have wavered a bit in questions between last night and this moment, but it’s still there. Lunch and venting with A later will probably help. At least, as a sign of growth, I can recognize my own silliness in this time, not obsess about it or wonder at length, and not get carried away in the rush of the uncertain. Little things. I pick up on little things like they carry the weight of the future, when really, they mean nothing. I wish I could turn my observations off sometimes. Sometimes they play tricks with my head.

There was a moment, the year before last on the anniversary of my sister’s passing where I wrote, and took a deep breath and let go. I think it’s time, really – for both of them. Both of these playful entities that I’ve held onto, because I didn’t want to know what life was without them around. Maybe I held on out of fear, out of missing. I see them less and less now as it is, so the careful reminders of their presence amuses me. But…there comes a point. 15 years for Rachael…and I still remember the smile on her face in the moments prior, where we were 17 and free of the world… it just passed 10 for Jaime. In some ways it seemed so long ago, in others it seems just yesterday that they were here – both of them, in ways that wouldn’t scare anyone. It’s a mixed feeling, really. Perhaps the reality of the matter is that I’ve been holding on because in doing that, in having some part of them, I didn’t really have to say goodbye, and I wouldn’t have to feel that loss – but I maybe never had that closure either. I think it’s possibly time. I don’t know where they’re supposed to be, I know that they’ve chosen to linger. Maybe it’s because I was holding on. And maybe that means it’s time to let go.

I’m in a new chapter now, and so many things in my life are brand-new, complete with fresh linen scent carried on the breeze like laundry you hang out to dry – dryer sheets combined with a hint of sunshine, and early spring wind. The wind today is carrying the scent of mowed grass and crisp leaves. Spring is just around the corner, although it visited the reality of my world early this year with the advent of hope. I hope in a lot of things right now. Ironic that I spoke of faith yesterday, in my moments of baring my soul on the line for the taking. It’s not always that easy. Sometimes it’s a fight. And I’m wrestling with myself over my vulnerability and my openness. It doesn’t always come as easy – sometimes it’s a conscious decision, and a dedication to the authenticity of you to let go. There’s so much in this that I have had no choice, and no control over – this is something I do. She’s reached the level of open that most people see the entrance to but never enter – either because the gates were barred from passage, or because they chose not to try. I hold the key to that lock in a death grip, at the moment and I’m choosing to open the door, knowing the risks but not caring. I’m in this, not only for the ride, but the calm…and sometimes to reach the calm, you have to brave the storm. My little stormcloud is brimming with fresh-water rain. It will strip away some of the dirt that I’ve coated myself in as a barrier of protection for old wounds that have not been exposed to the direct sunlight of another in…ever. I think it’s time to be clean.

” I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”
“ I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they’re right…and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”
Marilyn Monroe