details unnecessary

So….yeah. It was a good weekend, in which not all things went according to plan, but truthfully, sometimes things work out better that way. One of the benefits of learning that I have no control over circumstance, others, or places is the pure freedom that comes in letting go. In certain specific instances, it’s completely against what I’ve fought so hard to have my entire life – and the peace that comes with that relinquishment is so completely profound.

I had plans for date 5 on Sunday – was going to be a movie marathon day at my house, but on Friday night, my presence was requested at Spike’s best friend’s birthday dinner on Saturday night, and it just kind of worked out for Spike to crash at my house on Saturday, and start the movies when we got up (at the butt crack of dawn, incidentally, leading to a nap later) on Sunday morning. Saturday night was fun. Well, for most of us – most of it anyway. There was some bad news and a bit of unnecessary drama with one of the people there…it happens. We went to dinner at Ciro’s, which is a 1930’s style speakeasy, like full out costumes, period food, décor, etc. And I loved it. Although I still wish I had worn my hat, and traipsing around outside in 40 degree weather wasn’t fun for anyone. I drove, which means Yay, I’ve conquered a fear I had about driving people around – especially people I don’t know that well. I was rather impressed. We didn’t get back to my side of the world until 2:30 ish in the morning, which is way past my normal bedtime. Sleeping was good…slightly odd. But I’ve noticed something strange. You get so used to sleeping by yourself that you think it would be odd to have someone else there…but it took under 24 hours to get used to having someone else THERE, so then last night it felt odd to be by myself in my own bed again. She won’t believe me, but she really is beautiful when she sleeps.

            There’s so much I could say about Sunday, but the details are cemented in my head and don’t really need to be typed or recorded. Sunday was the closest to perfect day I’ve had in awhile…breakfast…movies (for the record, childhood movies that you think are the shit when you’re little, lose something when you’re older. Or maybe it’s just the fact that the one we tried to watch was a 4 hour long bbc miniseries version of “ Alice in Wonderland” and we were just too tired to function. I think it would have worked better if I was on some kind of mind-altering substance. We crashed in the middle of it, both of us realizing that even early 30s is a little old to be getting 3 hours of sleep and being able to function properly. So we took a nap. I got up first, and was just blown away by everything that was kicking around inside my head so I went out and sat on the balcony for awhile. The air was still chilly, and it gave me a few random moments of clarity. She was semi awake by the time I came back in – I made lunch, she did the dishes and we settled in on the couch for movie #2 – Dogma. I know it’s a funny movie – a comedy, but every time I see it, I notice something else about it. It is absolutely profound and brilliant and I’m jealous – I WISH I could write like that. Honestly. Then I’d be famous, or something – and knowing me, I probably wouldn’t like that so much. The attention would bother me. I’ve realized that while I’m a private person, quiet about my thoughts and feelings, at least at first, it’s easier for me to share them now. I share in group every week. Spike is scarily easy to talk to. It’s a strange dichotomy between us at the moment between comfortable and new. Tomorrow, actually, will be 1 month exactly since we started talking. The last month has gone by equally fast and slow. Depends on the day.

            I’ve found that I’m a lot less anxious. I have my moments, they come and go, and in reality they probably always will. I’ll always have to struggle with certain things in my head, and it will probably always be a tug of war between the person I used to be, the patterns and stupidity I allowed myself to be taken in by…and the person I am now. The person I’m becoming, slowly but surely doesn’t take part in this tug of war, really. She kinda just stands there and laughs. I think it’s strange that I’m growing up into becoming Peter Pan. Not really, I know that my maturity has grown and expanded in ways I couldn’t have dreamed of months ago, but again, my child-like innocence and belief has reemerged as well and doesn’t seem to be fading. I have hope in the future, whatever it brings. I have happiness all on my own, learning to find the beauty in everything. I met someone who is brilliant, hilarious and beautiful…and while it’s only been a month, it seems longer than that. But I have hope in that too. My life could really be summed up right now by saying that I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a springboard, just watching the water and learning balance on the edge of wonderful somethings. That pretty much works.

All I want to do, now, is to go home, crawl into a bathtub, stay there until my toes turn into large raisins, eat something (but god knows what) and smile…oh and watch Being Human tonight. Maybe play a game. It’s Valentine’s day, but I’ve filled my quota of ultimate dork, so I think I’m good. While this holiday is commercialized and over-done and mostly seems a bit ridiculous that we’re celebrating the martyrdom of a saint…this year? For some strange reason?
Doesn’t seem so bad. I’m still blaming bambi. And Spike. I’m blaming her too.