trials and signs

Sometimes the universe throws things at us as trials or tests…to see how we react. Test our patience or our strength and understanding. Test our determination, our will or our commitment. The girl says I’m in a time of trial, and that i’m passing with flying colors. She says I’m gracious, patient, understanding and compassionate. And that my reaction to these difficult times only makes her love me more, and strengthens the bond of our commitment to each other, and to ourselves.

There was all the stuff last week about her best friend. I think, in my head it is a much bigger deal than it actually was… because I feared it so much, or because it shot cannonballs at my foundation. But my foundation withstood. she says I’m so strong, these days, even in my moments of weakness. I don’t feel strong, maybe because inside, I’m shaky. I don’t feel brave, because I am afraid. But she says that bravery isn’t about not feeling fear in the face of adversity – bravery is about being afraid but standing firm anyway.

there’s been additional drama amid my circle of family – a situation that i’m unsure and confused about. I seem to be the target for rage and hostility due to a circumstance beyond my control. I’m not sure where all this came from, or what can be done about it. But i’m okay. it may have rocked my foundation a bit, but I’m still standing strong.

Through all of this, though, there have been multiple signs and encouragements from the universe as well – that I am exactly where I need to be, that the girl and I are headed in the right direction. All of these tests, although appearing out of nowhere at the six month mark of our relationship have only brought us closer together, not torn us apart. They have deepened our commitment, not questioned it. It’s a funny thing – what would be sufficient to shake the core of a lot of relationships, and have in the past, strengthens those determined to get through. Devon and I have had multiple spanning conversations about all this. Short of me becoming a republican, or a puppy mutilater, she knows that there is nothing we can’t handle and work through together. And knowing that to be true, believing it whole heartedly, even when I feel shaky or afraid has made all the difference. I don’t have to be strong all the time, and she doesn’t expect me to be perfect. She knows fear happens. All she expects of me is to do the best I can, and be the best me I can be at any given moment. we take strength from each other, support each other, encourage the other. I think this is the basis of a healthy relationship, based on a healthy foundation. We’re not dependant on each other, we take comfort in each other. And that’s what I believe means that we’re going to survive this, or anything else that comes our way, together. And last night she told me…I was alive before I met you…but I feel, in a way, that I didn’t start living until I did. She’s given me something to believe in. something to have faith in, despite how I feel, or how scared I get. I have something safe, secure and warm to come home to. So no matter what the universe brings, I’m good.

In the form of signs (and I know I’m going to miss something)…these may seem trivial or insignificant. But how much coincidence can you believe in before you have to consider a greater force at work…

1) before any of this started, I saw a murder of crows in a tree…it means something’s coming. I told her that, and she kind of laughed it off. However, after all this started going down, she looked at me with all sincerity and said “i didn’t know if I put much stock in the magic thing…but I have to say…there is definitely something there…I believe in you.” The other day, at work, I saw a murder of crows again, flying away – which is a sign that the test has been completed, and passed, and will be receeding. They may not be receeding as quickly as I would like, but I have absolute faith that they will. I have the support, compassion and understanding of the people that matter…everyone else…well… doesn’t.

2) A disappearing five minute rainbow – on our way home from our date on Friday night, we decided to stop and get some coffee. I missed the drive through window the first time around, so I had to circle the building, and as we were driving around, we saw one of the brightest, full rainbows we had ever seen. It wasn’t raining. when we came back out, coffee in hand – it was gone. Just gone. that night, we also decided to go to the causeway, where we had the second part of our first date…. and there was the most spectacular sunset I’ve seen in a long time – a perfect line of clouds like little islands on a sea of sky…and it was breathtaking, and so peaceful.

3) On saturday, during a freak rainstorm on a relaxing day, we got a call that lightning had struck the ground right outside our apartment complex. I’m taking this as a good sign, because it didn’t affect anything…just struck close enough to acknowledge that we were there.

4) a dragonfly for some reason flew between me and Devon several times on Sunday brunch, landing on both of us in turn, before disappearing somewhere else. It landed on my finger even. Just content to be there. Didn’t even bite.

there’s just been a lot going on…a lot of good, amid the crazy. It looks like we’re making it, and it wasn’t even that much in question. Now, we’re just holding onto each other, and waiting for the smoke to clear, knowing that – in the end – we’ll both be standing, hand in hand, just further down the road from where we started, in the journey of our still beginning life together. And THAT’S what matters.