Discussions, Depth and Disillusionment

It was an interesting weekend, to say the least. Not in a good or bad way, it had its intense moments, its moments of coming together and of being apart. Periods of adjustment and honesty and realizations. Devon came over on Friday night, and we just hung out together, watched tv on the couch and went to bed.

Saturday she had to get up early to go home to get ready for Leighann’s dance recital which she had been volunteered for helping in. It was anxiety producing for her, but the overall event wasn’t too bad. I didn’t go. She came back over when it was finished and rested for awhile until it was time to meet Leighann, Ashley and her mother for dinner at Frenchy’s on Clearwater beach. We waited about an hour for a table, the service wasn’t stellar (as in they got my order wrong, didn’t bring Devon her salad at all, and leighann’s oysters were bad), and the food was mostly decent, but not spectacular. For the most part I listened to the two of them talk – I like watching Devon around her friends. After dinner, we went to the Palm something for what was supposed to be one drink that turned into 3, and they had a crappy band that made my head ring and my ears hurt. Things weren’t great. We rode home in mostly silence. When we got home, we got ready for bed…Devon crawled in, turned away from me…I said goodnight to little response…then got back up and went out into the living room. There was definite tension. Fortunately for us…and good on her, she came back out and we sat down for a talk. Not the bad kind of talk, just the open kind of talk that seems to be typical of us in tense situations. Not fighting. Just discussing. She said that she felt I was frustrated or upset all night, because I was so quiet, despite my repeated assurances that nothing was wrong, and her natural reaction when she feels that someone is upset or frustrated is to pull away and try to give them as much space as possible. I had been picking up on her vibes all night, not knowing that they were stemming from me in the first place, and also felt the distance. I had been irritated at the restaurant, because it wasn’t great, and because sometimes it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. Also, when there’s lots of noise around, when the atmosphere is louder, Leighann’s voice when raised becomes a bit of a high pitched shriek, which is actually somewhat painful. I told her that sometimes I felt uncomfortable out with her friends, like I didn’t belong there, and that they’d have a better time without me. She said, that for her at least, that is absolutely not the case. That she likes just having me there, just the fact that I’m there, and she’s there with me is important. She understood how I felt, how I wasn’t upset or frustrated at her, just the situation and the circumstance. We discussed how difficult it can sometimes be for two empathetic people, who pick up on other people’s vibes or moods and also have our own demons of insecurity or panic and can fully project those onto other people. We discussed a lot more than that but it seems to be the gist. It was important that we had that discussion, we both agreed – and promised again that we would discuss issues like that before they became issues, that it was what defined our relationship – our openness and honesty with each other. And that as long as we both promise to continue that level of communication and openness, issues won’t turn into issues, because no resentment or bad feelings have a chance to fester because they’re all out into the open. We discussed our current fears which were similar – that I was afraid that now that I had moved and taken this leap of faith that she would realize she liked me better at a distance, and didn’t want to be around me as much anymore, that she would pull away. She told me she feared that because I had made this big leap of faith and come out here to live that I would at least partially resent her for it, that she was waiting for me to start being irritated with her because she was around so much. It stemmed back to both of our pasts, and like she kept saying, we found the root of both of our feelings, and feelings are always valid. And we discussed it, and worked through it, and ended up having a good rest of the evening before sleep showed up.

Sunday was a lazy day that was filled with a lot of crap, for a lazy day anyway. Devon was up early, just couldn’t sleep anymore. I woke up a couple hours later. We had breakfast and watched some buffy. At 2 we headed towards the mall for mutual haircuts with Devon’s stylist. After haircuts (at which she was annoyed because she’s a stickler for punctuality and her appointment started about 15 minutes late) we went back towards home, stopping at Walmart for our first joint grocery shopping trip, with Devon picking up some stuff for our house. It was strange, someone else buying groceries for my house, although I know it’s her house too – I can pick up more stuff over the following weekend when I get paid. But it was a bonding experience. After we got home, we watched more buffy, I started making dinner, we ate, then Devon was on the phone with one of her friends back home for awhile. I took a shower, cleaned up, watched some tv, played with my phone in the living room for awhile, read. After awhile she came outside to sit with me and kind of called me on the carpet a bit as to why I depreciate my own value so much – when I use self-deprecating humor. I think the cause of it is a defense mechanism, that I’ve always felt rejected, and if I could reject myself and make a joke out of it, it wouldn’t hurt so much if/when other people did the same. We talked about it for a long while. She asked if I resented the fact that when we move to Maine she has a whole network of people already there and I don’t. I don’t resent it, it’s just going to be a different dynamic to adjust to. We discussed that…discussed the difference in how we both perceive ourselves, versus how we perceive each other. We discussed what we each have to work on, and how far we’ve both already come. I told her my still-lingering fear that appearing as less than perfect, non-shiney and vulnerable would make her not like me anymore. I was having a bit of an insecure day – and there was no particular reason why – actually that’s not true, I think I know the reason why but it hardly seems important. But those days happen, to everybody. They happen to her, they happen to me – it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with us – it means we’re human. Some days are good, some days aren’t. Sometimes we feel up, sometimes down. And sometimes it doesn’t go by day – it goes hour to hour, or minute to minute. She loves me, which is why she started talking to me about this at all. Because it hurts her to hear me put myself down or diminish my own importance. I told her I feel the same when she does. And we had a long, deep conversation about things.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again – but I’m severely impressed with the level of communication we have in our relationship. She’s my friend, she’s my partner, she’s my stbw…unofficially or not. And we talk about things that make a lot of people uncomfortable – that sometimes even make us uncomfortable. But we have enough faith in, and value in our relationship that it makes the brief moments of discomfort manageable in the interest of open honesty and sharing with each other. We share our vulnerabilities, and our strengths. We support each other and believe in each other, and believe in ourselves. After that, we watched a bit of tv and went to bed.

Today was the start of a brand new day. I can’t do a lot of my work at the moment, as our network is down, and has been since I arrived this morning. But it’s a new week. I think I’m making headway in the enjoyment of every moment, even the ones that are more difficult. I’m still struggling with something that is relatively insignificant which prompts feelings of insecurity and badness…but I’m pretty sure that’s my battle to face, and while it may involve someone else I don’t know if it’s something that should be discussed, or if I should just let it play out and see if it’s being made worse by my hormones (I’m definitely pms-y) or my own projections of others. I’m bouncing it back and forth…haven’t decided yet. But it’s not a thing that just happened this weekend…it’s been a feeling off and on for a little while….probably nothing.

As for disillusionment – I’m not sure if we’re officially out of the honeymoon phase because it’s been 5 months, or if it starts over when you start to semi-cohabitate…. But it’s definitely become real, and not just a weekend cram in of intimacy…it’s come to the point where we do see the best and worst of each other, and instead of irritation or disappointment, for the most part I’m thrilled…..it’s a beautiful, amazing thing….my blinders of new-relationship are off, approaching the 6 month mark….and I’ve never been more over-all happy, fulfilled or excited to see where it takes me.

That’s about it, I think…except the pepper shaker at my new apartment is a little haunted. Yep.