peaceful and delicate, and a question

So Devon came over last night – I went to pick her up after my meeting. My house is literally about 10 minutes away from hers, if that. She loved how I put the place together, loved the new couch, loved where I put my desk. She said, among other things, that it could definately start to feel like home, that she thinks she’s going to spend very little time at her apartment, that she didn’t realize how much she missed me until the moment she saw me, and that it was so good to be there with me. We watched tv on the couch, laughed at the cats, listened to my stomach gremlin…went to bed a little late, surprisingly, given how tired we both were. Lingering effects. There was a moment, right before bed….something. It passed. Old, lingering demon, brought on by…I don’t know what. It hardly matters. Was delicate and late…and in the grand scheme of things – kind of unimportant. The important thing is to not look at anything except for with an air of gratitude…and there is something to be grateful for, in everything.

There was a moment – I had sorted through all my pictures, pulling out some of the handful of pictures I have from when i was little – little little – between ages 1-4. One of them brought her to tears. We talked about having kids – she wants at least one, not so sure about 2, but she wants to use my dna since I was so cute – I want to use hers. we have time to discuss it, later. She had such a strong reaction to that one picture…saying that could be our child one day – that silly, goofy look on my face, white-blond hair, with my floaties on, on a riverboat. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment, just looking at her, crying over one of my baby pictures. Some of those pictures brought out a reaction in me too – they were pictures from before my life started to take a downturn – when my father was still my hero. There were two in there of me on my dad’s shoulders, and I looked like I was so happy there. I was. I remember. I’ve been getting bits and pieces – flashes of memory, looking at some of those old things. They make me remember, but I’m not sure I can trust my memory. Is my mind filling in the gaps, or are they genuine – or does it even matter? Are they genuine because that’s the way I remember them? who’s to say otherwise? It’s a circular question, to be sure. One I’m not sure really has an answer.

I know we’ll see each other again over the weekend, not sure about before then. I guess we’ll see. It was a strange, yet wonderful feeling to leave the house tomorrow with a hug – knowing she was still there, walking around waking up, about to take a shower…making herself at home in our new home together. It didn’t make me uncomfortable at all – it was actually the opposite. Rather comforting, peaceful. Happy feeling. It was nice to just have the feel of her in my arms again. I was a little surprised, waking up in the middle of the night – I had almost forgotten she was there. But she was. And I rolled over and held her…feeling the warmth. The security. The something. We’ve been discussing our future in bits and pieces – kind of like a puzzle that’s coming to life right before my eyes. We have plans, goals – ideas. Lots to decide on later, but many things to hope for and feel now. I believe that they will come. I don’t really have to hope, anymore. Hope is still good to have, and I have much of it – but it’s more than hope….hope seems to lend a however slight inclination that it may not work out, and that’s not the way it is for me – not anymore. it’s more than that. And as she said on the phone yesterday – i’m more than her girlfriend, now. I don’t know what that makes me…I don’t know what that makes us to each other – but I’m also not sure that it matters. It just is.

No unusual precipitation last night that I could see. i’m starting to wonder if I could have possibly imagined it, but it was so real….incredibly real. I plan on going home and swimming tonight – maybe check out the workout room first. Then go home, make some chicken for dinner, and writing. I feel like writing. I’m not sure what exactly that will be. Perhaps work on the story I started a long time ago. As a curiosity – I was wondering if anyone involved in the flash challenge saw any of my flashes and wanted them to be rebuilt, or built up – or even started over – taking them in a different direction. I like examining my work, and it’s a bit of a curiosity to me.

Aside from all that, not that much going on….peacefully quiet and calm in my state of mind…a state I quite enjoy, even if it is rather new. I think I can get used to it.