jumping the fire and prompt request *e*

I signed my lease yesterday, picked up my keys and put my first few items in, what is now officially, my new home. I finished the packing last night, did the laundry and settled down to the reality of the frenzy and ache the next few days will be. It’s going to be hard. I know that, I accept it. It’s kind of the way it is, and I can’t change or control that. The trick for me is knowing that, and growing from it – taking this whole experience as the opportunity it is for growth – for self evaluation and change. It’s not going to be an easy process, but fortunately even though it will be a very busy weekend – I will have the time necessary to deal with it, to process – and hopefully to work through it. I might go to the meeting tonight, actually – it might do me a world of good. This constitutes my leap of faith. I saw the opportunity, I checked out the validity of it, discussed it with my partner and went for it. Her leap of faith to match mine will come in gradual doses instead of one giant jump, and I’m more than okay with that. The important thing is that in this, we are equal. And now that it’s official, I have the keys in hand and will be moving this weekend, I feel no hesitation or worry – I’m excited.

I’m struggling with the separation. I can’t lie about it, can’t hide it, can’t dismiss or downplay it. I knew it was going to be hard. In the grand scheme of things, I’m doing much better than I thought, but little things are making it more difficult. Devon is currently in Miami, they have a day of fun there, a night on the town and tomorrow they board the boat for the Bahamas. I will not be writing about how much I miss her, etc every day in my diary waiting for her to come back. But I feel it’s important for right now to document it, to acknowledge the feeling. I’m not paranoid in the way that would be typical for me. I know that, if I believe that what we have is indeed as rare and as special as we both say it is, then she will not forget me in 3 days. She will not suddenly stop loving me. She will not meet someone else magically, on a floating island at sea and not come home. I used to feel that way in my past relationships – you know, all the ones that fell apart at the seams, and while those fears seemed real at the time, the reason they existed was because there was no trust. There was no foundation for knowing they were unfounded and irrational. There is trust here. I know she loves me, not because she tells me she does, but because she shows me she does. I’m the first person she’s ever thought about marriage with. I’m the first person she’s moving in with. There is something distinctly and beautifully special about our relationship – everyone can see it, everyone senses it when they see the two of us together, they see us interact – even her best friend notices it. I have faith in that. But we both experience separation anxiety, just when she goes home after the weekend – so I expected it to be moderately worse, knowing that, not only is she not 45 minutes away anymore, but she’s leaving the country and will be completely out of contact. She’s not out of contact today, but I haven’t heard from her. I kind of expected that as well, but hoped differently. She’s on vacation. I want her, genuinely to have a good time, to relax (which is hard for her to do) and take it easy. I don’t expect her to text me every hour on the hour. The difference, I think in part, is that I put expectations on things based on what I would do, and in some ways we are two very different people. I text her more often, because that’s how I am. I think of someone, I text them. She doesn’t work that way. She gets busy, or distracted, or having fun and I just don’t think it occurs to her – and you know what? That’s okay. I understand and accept that. But I miss her. I will not over-text, I will not bombard her. I think I’m planning on writing her a few day-long letters while she’s gone as a way of calming my nerves a bit – letters she will probably never read. They’re not really for her, although they’re addressed to her. They’re for me, so I feel like I’m talking to her, like I’m used to doing, while she’s gone and I can’t. Over the weekend, we had a few intense conversations. She reiterated, repeatedly, how in love with me she is, how happy she is to be with me, how she can’t wait for…certain things. I can’t wait either. And honestly, that’s all the reassurance I wanted, I didn’t have to ask for it, she gave it to me anyway. I’m holding on to that in these moments, surrounding myself with busy work and friends and having fun where possible amid the stress. She’s not going to be gone that long – and as of Monday night, hopefully, this feeling right now, this ache in my chest will be nothing but a memory. The worries I have are none of the old, irrational, crazy ones. I just hope her anxiety stays in check. I hope she doesn’t drink too much and get sick. I hope everything goes smoothly and she’s not seasick. The normal things to hope for when you love someone. I am in an equal, healthy, loving relationship. And I’ve got nothing to worry about.

And one thing I realized yesterday – no matter what happens, good, bad, indifferent – I’m happy with my choice to move, just for me – regardless of the fact Devon will be moving in with me. I’m happy with where I’m going to be living, I’m happy with my step towards independence and recovery, and I’m happy with my own actions. And that means more to me than anything else.

Tomorrow is Friday, my head is going to be spinning and I’m going to be a giant lump of stress, 24 hours before the big move. So, I want prompts – something that will take my mind away from everything, even if only for a brief period of time. So give me a word, phrase, idea, concept – something for a flash, quick fiction. something apart from this wonderful, and beautiful yet frightening real. Load me up, peeps.

*e*

Just got off the phone with Devon – they are in downtown Miami, having a blast. She answered the phone with “hi sweetie, I miss you!” then almost immediately had to go, but said she loved me and would call me tonight. Made me feel a little bit better in some regards, not so much in others. I think I’ve realized something strange about myself. I prepared myself for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, knowing that I COULDN’T hear from her. today was worse because I knew I could, but didn’t. but it goes back to what I was saying earlier – we think differently. And that’s okay. Just have to remind myself of that. This is, as my best friend pointed out – a huge part of my co-dependency talking. I know how far I’ve come in recovery, and how far I still have to go. I can take this time to either allow myself to be consumed by it, or to take the opportunity to really focus on myself, and work on some of these lingering issues. You know what? I choose to grow. So whether she texts me or not, whether she calls me or not, I know where I stand with her, and it’s good. It’s all good. And I will be stronger for all of this in the long run. Time for some faith, hard work and focus. I’m still flying.